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Paul Pry The Reformer of the Age

25/09/1849

Printer / Publisher: G. Johnstone 
Volume Number:     Issue Number: 47
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Paul Pry The Reformer of the Age

Date of Article: 25/09/1849
Printer / Publisher: G. Johnstone 
Address: 12, Russell-court, Brydges-street
Volume Number:     Issue Number: 47
No Pages: 4
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No. 47.— NEW SERIES.] WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 25, 1849. [ PRICE ONE PENNY. THE SELESTEAL SIESTA. AN OVIDIAN RHAPSODY. CHAPTER I. THE CONVIVES. ( Continued from our last.) The instant that the comedian had entered the room, every eye was turned upon him with a kind of enquiring look. Observing this, he suddenly stopped short, and looked, with a slight embarrassment, from the one to the other. " I observe," said he at last, " that one or two of my friends here have a particularly expressive ' goose look.' May I ask— Is anything the matter?— aught wanting?" " We want to know where you've been," said Fidger. " Pish!" muttered Bedster, " why, in the next room, to be sure. What then?" " The fact is," said Basil, " we have just been surprised by some very harmonious but extraordinary sounds—" " Oh, that's it, is it?" ejaculated their host, with a laugh. " Just so," added Fidger, with a laugh. " You've been playing on your organ again, eh? The truth amounts to this," continued Fidger, as Bedster took his chair, " our friend, here, has got hold of the most marvellous, most luxuriant, most provoking, most voluptuous ( since the word's in vogue)— I say, the most voluptuous article of fur- niture you ever beheld." " The devil!" ejaculated Bedster, in a sort of dismay. " And how came you to know anything of it?" " I! O, I ferret everything out you see, you sly dog!" replied the low comedian. " What is it, Fidger?" eagerly demanded one. " A serapliine!" said the first. " A clavichord!" added another. " A new species of bagpipe!" cried a fourth. " A charming young woman, who studies after Hullah. It must have been her voice." " True, but how agitated towards the conclusion." This volley of small- shot was delivered in rapid succession. " There is no keeping a secret from this fellow," at last observed Bedster. " But— a— a— in a day or two you shall see it. At present— a— it is not in— cxactly— that is— in condition to shew. ' Madame' has just been using it. I— in fact—" A roar of laughter interrupted him. " But come," resumed Bedster, " let us not forget the wine. Here's to our mistresses!" and he held forth his glass. Every foaming beaker was in an instant raised to the lips of the guests, and were emptied in an instant. Broiled bones and devilled biscuits were now brought in, and the fruit, untasted, saved by Basil, removed; and drinking began in earnest. Swidger had put a wet towel round his head, and now sat with it on, looking like a dis- consolate Turk with a dripping turban flung on his caput. A bottle of soda- water had partly sobered him, and he was fresh, and ready to re- commence again. " There is a great deal of sublimity about that toast, my dear Bedster," said he. " Descend lower— be intelligible," said Webster. " One would say that, in selecting Madame"— a smile, at tha pleasant insinuation, crossed every face—" you have shown unexampled taste. What grace of motion! What supple limbs! What powers of endurance— endurance!— eh! Bedster, my boy!" and the low comedian chuckled. In the mean time, the glasses were not allowed to remain idle. " Here's to tbe healths of the finest, the freeest women— who bestow their smiles upon us; whose eyes lighten up our gloom; whose kisses arc like balm to heal every wound; and in whose embraces we are lost to every one ofthe evils of life, and become deliciously oblivious of miseries, whether in the shape of dun or Jew, bill or broker." It was Bracey who now spoke, and his handsome face was flushed with the wine he bad recently taken. While the convives were doing riotous honours to this toast, Bedster was about to take the opportunity of whisper- ing apart to Basil Harding, by whose side he sat, when a sudden interruption was put to it, by the re commencement of the mellifluous sounds, which had before attracted theii attention. Slowly swelling, the silvery pipes of the instrument breathed low and softly, and then rose in a louder cadence upon their enraptured ears. It was even more beautiful than before. Again the music rose; and the " tick— tick— tick" with a sort of gentle violence increased, till it was overcome by the volume of sound emitted forth. The convives turned their eyes on Bedster. " D n those, servants of mine," he cried, in a rage; " they must be at it now. It's singular they cannot leave things alone; but, however, Madame will surprise them, I have no doubt, for she is very careful about that article of furniture." Having given vent to this, he found consolation in his wine. The melody, after having risen to paroxysm, died away. The guests, knowing that the secret would be made known to them, did not enquire further. Swidger Fidger tapped his nose, winked his eye, and went throngh a small series of pantomime which no one understood. The conversation again became general, and Bedster again turned to Basil. " You were asking a question, just now, of our friend Bracey, regarding some girl that he saw behind the seines of the opera, I think ?" " Yes, yes," replied Basil, turning towards him with an eager air, while his eyes darted forth an ardeut fire. " Do you know anything of her?" " Why, I think I do," answered the comedian, with a smile; " and from the description he has given of her, she must be the same." " What is her name?" " Her real one I do not precisely know," was the reply; " but, on the stage, she is known as Mademoiselle Onina." " Onina!" ejaculated Basil. " It is a very beautiful name:"— and he appeared to brood upon it. " Yes," continued Bedster; " and, what is more, I think you will find her no prude—" " Hollo, there!" shouted Fidger; " heads together, eh! that bodes treason. What are you two whispering about?" Basil's face darkened with rage and impatience; but the comedian instantly said:—" I am giving our friend a leaf out of your book, my boy." ( To le continued in our next.) LOVE CORRESPONDENCE BETWEEN THE COUNTESS OF B AND CArT. L , LATE OF THE GUARDS. LETIEH VI. DEAREST B Great and manifold as arc the duties I have to fulfil, I can still snatch a few moments for love and thee. The woold is very censorious, more especially our little world, where, for the mere sake of saying something, scandal's busy tongue is ever at work. I know, dearest, your confi- dence in me is sucb, that for one moment you would not believe report. I hear a sad account of the Lady Esther S , who, it appears, has actually eloped with her father's footman. What on earth could her ideas be composed of, to have aught to do with so plebeian a fellow ? A Smith, or Brown, or some such name, no doubt graces the fellow. I must allow her taste, as far as good broad shoulders, and legs like a brewer's drayman, to be somewhat in keeping with her general ideas of manly beauty; for she has always said she would rather marry a Hercules without a penny, than the highest noble in the land with half of England for a dowry. It's a great pity we havn't it in our power, at the present day, to hang up such presumptuous rascals. How go on the Earl and yourself? For since he has re- turned to town, I have not had one moment to spare to call upon you. You will, of course, leave town in a few days as promised, when I shall again enjoy that delightful society, unseen by human eye, and taste of those ineffable joys reserved by the gods for true lovers alone. Excuse my brevity, and believe Yours eternally, PENCILLINGS ABOUT TOWN; OR, LEAVES FROM PAUL'S SKETCH BOOK. ( Continued from our last.) No. V. Free as air— let us now step into " Lloyd's," as well to settle a small claim of Jettison with the underwriters, as to effect an insurance on sundry chests of gold dust already shipped to our order by our enterprising agent at California, who, it appears, has been extremely successful in his " diggings" along the golden shores of the Pacific— we also expect, from the tone of our Correspondent's letter, to astonish some of the Liverpool Sapitientice, by a display of a few of the largest lumps of the prccioug metal over seen in that part of the country ; great will be the cackle and great the excitement among certain paragraph- mongers and illus- trious Quid- Nuncs of that thriving port, while, for the local press, we shall furnish matter for three or four first- rate " Leaders," touching on the consequences of " so large an importation of the precious metal," and of the probable de- rangement of the " money market," naturally consecutive on the arrival of such aurean wedges, and of such uncommon purity and size, as those lately consigned to " P. P." But who are those two bulky men, one red, the other pale, talking so earnestly together under the portico of the Exchange?— or rather, it seems to be tbe red- faced man who talks, while the other does nothing but listen and nod his head. Let us take another peep— there are not many citizens, properly so called, with whom we are unacquainted. Just as we thought! it is our old friend, the refined sugar- broker of Mincing- lane, attended by his constant and pale- faced satellite, Mr. , who, besides being distantly related, fills the two - fold office of warehouseman and clerk, in addi- tion to which he is cxpcctad to attend his principal, or the governor, as he stiles the red- faced man, ou his calls among his city friends, in the bifarian capacity of sample bearer aud pedestrian companion. As this happens to be post day, and the " Overland mail" is said to have " arvived," bringing letters from some of the Levantine ports, it threatens to be a busy day with our friends, and accounts for the unusually animated dialogue, taking place between them: but here, lest the reader think us guilty of a misnomer, in calling that a dialogue where one only of the parties does all the con- versation, we will set all right at once, by slating, that al- though the pale- faced man makes no audible reply, yet he doth answer, nevertheless, in his own way, and in a manner perfectly intelligible to the " governor;" that is to say, he keeps nodding his head, both fast and slow, according as the observations of the " governor" are deemed by him more or less pertinent and " to the point;" when any thing is said which he considers of very unusual consequence he shows himself quite alive to the importance of the same, by con- tinuing a series of short and rapid, nods, together with a peculiar expression of his left eye, wbich he has a funny way of pursing or puckering up, so that nothing is visible but a little round hole, not unlike the extremity of a clyster- pipe. But it is time they separated, that each may go his round, yet the governor cannot go his way without a few more words of advice of the very highest importance, he has a " great fact" to impress on the attention of the pale man and whal he wants him clearly to understand is this— that in consequence of the great rise in the sugar market, amounting to nearly one sixteenth of a penny per cwt. it is clear that the export- houses will give their orders pretty freely, or, to use his exact words—" will begin to nibble," an assump- tion, which he enforces on the pale man's attention, by a re- markably searching and sagacious look, which says, as plain as a look can say—" I expect you'll get plenty of orders this morning," still further enforcing this expectation by a smart thump ofthe right fist into the hollow ofhis left hand, which sounds, under the covered pathway of the Exchange, like the report of a pocket- pistol. After this they separate, and, as it is a fine morning, we will watch our pale friend " do his business." What a ponderous elephantine dog to be sure ! As he moves heavily across tlie road, we look at his massive legs, encased in trowsers of rusty black, and think of the two " Pillars of Hercules," or rather of the hinder quarters of an elephant, the only differ- ence beiug, that the " sagacious quadruped" is wont to keep his hind legs closer together than our pale friend manages to keep his. It would be the easiest thing iu the world, when he next waddles past a grocer's shop, at whose door a cart is unloading, for the active shopman to " ( back a sugar loaf" " IT IS A VIRTUOUS ACTION TO EXPOSE VICIOUS MEN."— DBTDIW. PAUL i- itr ; THE REFORMER OF THE AGE. 3 neatly between bis knees, and he none the wiser. He has a' length reached the office of " a party" who, he thinks, will give him " a nibble," and it is really a distressing thing to wit- ness the intuitive modesty with which he knocks at the office door; when told to " come iD," he begins to shuffle his feet about the threshold, and peep about to see if he can find a mat handy on which to clean his shoes. This done, he next takes off his hat and combs his hair with his fingers ; then arranging his features so as best to assume the air of a de- pressed and chastened man, he proceeds to open the door, or rather to put it ajar and endeavours to squeeze himself though sideways, taking up such a small quantity of room as cannot fail to impress tbe inmates of the office with a very favourable opinion of his unobtrusive and retiring habits. He now delivers himself in the following words, whicli he has in no way varied for the last seven years, and which are doubtless stereotyped on his brain : " Has your letters ar- rived ?" " The mail's in, I think !" " Any orders for sugar?" " Market uncommon firm this morning 1" " Prices getting up !" " Sure to go higher !" Having got through all this without breaking down, be suddenly bursts out into a violent perspiration, and, taking a handkerchief out of his hat, rubs, first his face, and then the top of his head. This done, the handkerchief is again deposited in its place, and our pale friend, spinning sharply round on his lieel, glides lightly on tiptoe across the room to the nearest chair, under which he rapidly " pops" his hat, and returning with a look of more confidence and composure he pulls from under his coat- tail a hrown- paper parcel, which falls heavily on the desk : as he slowly opens it to exhibit tho contents, which proves to be a lump of sugar, about the size and shape of a common brick, and of much the same colour:—" There, Sir !" continues our friend; " there, Sir! That's our sample, Sir! Close grain that, Sir! Sold 100 tons yesterday and 100 tons to- day! Sure to rise! Market's very stiff! Things are looking up, Sir, in the sugar way!" After this display of commer- cial eloquence, and on being told tQ look in some other time, he takes his departure, but unhappily forgets the rancid " sample" which still reposes on the desk, presenting a most odious ajppearance, and giving out a slightly Luciferous ex- halation, caused, we suspect, by the continued affinity to his person, and consequent on the exudations therefrom. In- deed it has more the appearance of " hardbake" than sugar. The j unior clerk is now told to ring the bell, aud request the housekeeper to remove the " stuff" from the desk, which the poor woman hardly knows how to do, as she approaches to examine the mystery, with turned- up nose; although not able, as she says, " to make it out," yet her own instinct tells her that it must be something filthy ; so, turning to the fire- place, and arming herself with the tongs, sho soon gets a fair hold of the " sample," which she carries away breast high, and, as far from her person as possible. She now looks round with a rather embarrassed air to see if there is any placc handy where she can deposit her burden ; but not seeing any such place, her perplexity increases in such a degree that, in sheer aberration of mind, she takes three or four turns en- tirely round the room, grasping her prize with uncommon te- nacity, till, at last, quite out of breath, she drops it, with a pensive grunt, behind the eoal scuttle, where we believe it remains to this day— the housekeeper not feeling justified in removing it, because, as she observes," it has something to do with the books ;" so we expect it will continue to remain, " till fires are wanted" in the office, and truly it will be a pity to disabuse her mind of the idea, as brilliant as original, that the " funny stuff" behind the coal scuttle is indissolubly con- nected with the inscrutable mystery of bookkeeping. But here let us pause, as well to take our leave of our saccharine friend as to give him an order for a couple of cwts. of refined sugar, in loaves, which he may forward to the " villa" any day he likes, begging him, at tho same time, to remomber that we pay oh delivery. We feel a presentiment that sugar is wanted at home, because wo have observed the back- kitclien dresser lately covered with galipots of all sizes— a sure, though silent intimation to us, that there is some " preserv- ing" in the wind— an intimation further strengthened by our hearing Betsey, Jane, and Mrs. P. use the word " stewpan!" " new stewpan!!" Heavy pale man, farewell, and take this sugar plum to " nibble!!" BASP. Priory Villa. IIIBERNIA TO VICTORIA. BEING AN OMITTED PASSAGE IN THE ROYAL IRISH PROGRESS. IT was Cead mille failtha,— VICTORIA asthore, Was the saddest of sounds that ye heard round my shore ; Though some boiled the last pratee, and burned the last peat, For a feast and a bonfire your visit to greet. Sure the papers has told all the wondthers you've seen, From the famed Cove of Cork to renowned Stephen's Green; Wid the arches and speeches, and flags and goodwill, The lights in the windies, the blaze on the hill. Ye saw a whole nation, that smiled for to meet you, Ye beard a whole nation, that cheered for to greet you ; Black faction was peaceful, conspiracy tame, Wid the] hght of your presence, the charm of your name. They've talked mighty big of the good that will come, From your kindly look in on poor PAT in his home, How ' twill heal up old wounds, and new friendships ccment, When in cool neutral tone, Green and Orange are blent. Sure, it wasn't Repealers alone, dear, but more, That turned their ould coats, wid the best side before ; So list while I tell, what's less pleasant than thrue, What sights ye ne'er saw, what your visit can't do. Ye saw me, asthore, in my moment of mirth, Not crouched iu my dwellin' of darkness and dearth ; Ye heard the loud cheers of my young and my ould, Not their moans for the hunger, their cry for the could. Ye walked in my palaces, eushla macree, But divil a cabin, at all, did ye see ; Ye took bite and snp from my aldermen's dish, But not the black roots from my cottier's kisli. Oh, it's not by my face that my feelins' I'd show ; Too deep in my heart is the roots of my woe. When ye bowed to my welcome, ye heard not the cry That came hard on tho shout, as yer glory went by. Ye could toss the poor beggar a morsel of mate, But ye can't lift the pauper to man's true estate; Ye could smile ou my sons, but not teach them to know The sins that they do, and tho duties they owe. Sure, it's sorry I'd be, dear, for aught upon earth, To dash wid a sorrow the light of your mirth ; ' Tis love true and loyal, that thus brings to view, Wliat sights ye ne'er saw,— what ycr visit can't do- Punch MARONE ; or, THE WINE OF LOVE. CHAPTER XIII.—( Continued.) " The consequence of that is very trifling," returned Passion, iu a tone of indifference, " but I believe you know the lady in question." " I!" replied the nobleman in surprize. " Yes, she is called Mai- one." " Marone!" It was impossible to define the expression that crossed his swarthy countenance. " She lias been residing at a house of mine for a short time," continued Passion, " and as she dropped some few words regarding an invitation with which you had honoured her, I took this present liberty of calling upon you." Lord Arlenden blushed scarlet, then turned pale; all his hardihood was not proof against the quiet but bitter insinua- tion of Passion. He dared not ask the extent of his knowledge, he feared to demand where it was that he . had met with Marone; he was cowed, stricken, almost paralysed— the proud Lord Arlenden felt like a child about to be severely chastiscd for some terribly great fault. " It— it is somewhat singular," said he at last, " that you should have met with her." " Oh, dear no, my Lord," blandly interrupted Passion. " I have known her—- that is, at a distance, for some time— but," continued he, " I cannot sufficiently express my satisfaction at the pleasure I trust you will derive from her presence at the festival this evening," and he rose as he spoke, intimating that he was about to depart. One of those indefinable shades onec more crossed Lord Arlenden's countenance, which so few could read, but iu which Passion traced the struggle of the most powerful animal passions, the exhibition of which he could scarccly restrain in the presence of another. , , In a few minutes after, Lord Arlcnden was alone. Suddenly he rang his bell, and ordered Father Flneau to be sent in to him. " Where is Marone?" demanded he sternly. " My Lord," replied the pander, " that devil of a young man whom I have just observed leaving here, he is her lover as I suppose, and consequently—" " You swore, to me. that sho was in strict custody— under watch at the White House," growled the nobleman. " Why had'you relaxed your vigilance? Explain." " It appears that this youth is quite as well acquainted with the White House as your Lordship, or myself. Without violence, without noise; but with the greatest secrecy and expedition; I have discovered her lodgings." " Hah! where?" " It fronts the park, my Lord," replied Father Fineau, " and belongs to this young noblcfnau." " That will do," muttered his Lordship angrily; " you who boast that you never fail, have failed. She will be here to night, begone." And the crest- fallen Jesuit stole from the chamber- At the precise hour of ten, as he had promised, Passion's unostentatious carriage drew up before Marone's house, as we may term it, though Passion resided in it also; but of this she was entirely ignorant. At ten, we repeat, he had sent in a message to ask if she was prepared to accompany him. The reply was in the affirmative, and Passion entered her chamber. Marone was dressed in a style of splendid simplicity. She wore laces and jewels, as she had been desired, and had chosen a most superb dress; and yet there was a nameless charm of innocent girlishness about her beautiful person, that almost filled the eyes of Passion with tears, as he gazed. And whither was this young — this innocent- looking— this superb creature, about to go ? Without attempting^ o moralize upon the matter, we could name places of public notoriety about town, where the assemblage, so far as regards vice and virtue, was but a degree or two below the titled patrons of this blackest gathering of depravity. She was going, as tlie reader well knows, to the feast at Lord Arlenden's. ( To be continued in our next.) OUR EMISSARY AT SHIELDS AMONG THE PUBLICANS. WE have been induced, by many of our correspondents, to send our emissary upon a short visit to Shields, to try his hand upon tho reformation of that corrupted town. He arrived last week, and being rather fatigued, halted at the first public- house he came to, situated in Fowler- street,— the landlord being a knight, of ( the needle) renown, and of vast pretensions, both to his tailoring genius and the quality ot bis spirits. The latter we cannot condemn; but the former (" angels and ministers of grace defend us !") are only to be looked upon by antiquarians as curiosities; for who would bear " the whips and scorns of time," as certainly they would if they wore a coat cut from his antiquated pattern? After getting in his hot toddy, snd having begun to blow a cloud, he beheld a ghastly spectacle peering over a pair of glass eyes, looking more like an overgrown owl than any human visage: he resolutely defied the clouds, and sat him self down opposite our agent, with the greatest sang froid, beginning first by asking how he liked his toddy, which ho assured him he liked pretty well; when he began, like some old soldier from the wars, relating such stories as smack of the far- famed Baron Munchausen,— such as his wonderful coat that he has worn for twenty- five years, and being the very one his father was married in; bis wonderful tramp from London; and many other stories which we will not re- late, for fear our readers stamp liim with the name of a bouncer. Our friend wished him, all the time, at the d— 1, or any other place of equal warmth, and began to tire of liis company, wishing to smoke his pipe in peace; but, as there is no peace for the wicked in this world, his tormentor sat still, until he thought shame of seeing his mouth watering, as you'll see a dog do when you strip a bone of its flesh— he thinks a share should coma to him; so he asked him to have a glass of toddy with him, which ho accepted with the rapaciousness of a wolf To his astonishment, after he had finished it, he started with a miblime recitation, viz., " Ducks and Green Peas," which he accomplished by strangling the ducks in a horrible manner, and putting a regular damper upon the green peas. The recitative quickened our friend's appetite, which made him ask for cheese and biscuits; when tho murderer of " Ducks aud Green Peas " replied, that he did not think there was any profit for a landlord to be bad at cheese and biscuits; he got them, however, and our friend managed to swallow both the cbcese and the insult, with the determination never to enter the house of such an uncivi- lized landlord again. And so, old boy, if you wish to have a reputation worthy of a publican, we advise you, with sin- cere regard, not to think of such paltry things as checse and biscuits beiug no profit to a landlord; but get it with plea- sure if you want their company back again; and do not force your presence and cxccrable stories upon your guests. Until yuu amend, our presence will not honour your hotel. PIULOS, LETTER- BAG. ( To Paul Try, Esq.) EXETER, September 20th, 1849, DEAR PAUL, I sincerely wish y ou would pay a personal visit to this city' or that some more able pen than mine would expose the jobs continually doing here. An individual has actually applied to the magistrates for compensation on account ofa lucrative situation which he held as wharfinger, or something of that kind, at Topsham; and what do you think the honourable humbugs intend doing?— grant him a pensioniof .£ 105 per annum. These gentlemen are liberal with the public money, " never so with their own." * Some time since, they granted " a certain captain a pension of £ 100 per annum, besides others, which I shallnot mention, for what? because he had a good salary for many years for doiug nothing. Thus are the poor labourers and tradesmen taxed to support, these arrogant and insolent paupers. What is the reason of their being so liberal? Why, the applicants arc what is called gentlemen, they will, of course, give a dinner— invite those honourable humbugs, tbat has helped them to their pension, drink wine till they are jolly, and laugh at their dupes, " the public." Will they grant you, my dear uncle, the Reformer of the Age, a pension for your laborious work? Will they grant a poor man a pension, who has really been of service to the public? Of course not. What would bo their answer, should any such person make an application? You are no gentleman, have no interest, no votes, and cannot afford to give us a dinner; but can these honourable humbugs legally grant these pen- sions ? An answer will oblige, Your dutiful Nephew, R. 1'. [ My dear Nephew,— It appears to us that Hawbuck jus- tices can do as they please; some of the most astonishing and unaccountable things are daily practised in quiet little boroughs; but we hope, with tho assistance of other dutiful nephews like yourself, to expose the jobbery carried on throughout tbe length and breadth of the land.— P. P.] ( To Paul Pry, Esq.) NEWCASTLE, Sept. 20th, 1849. DEAR PABL,— As I have not seen any communication from our old coal- hole, I will just trouble you with a few remarks about our amusements. In the first place there are our saloons, of which the first and best is Mr. John Balmbra's Wheatsheaf. It is very nicely fitted up, and the proprietor generally has good talent engaged, at present; ho has Miss Ballinger and Miss Webster, the former of whom is a very nice singer; the latter tries to sing comic songs; but it is no go, she tires her hearers; Mr. B. has had her far too long. Mr. John Sessford presides at the piano- forte and Mr. Charles Easthope on the violin, they are both excellent performers, and Mr. S. is also a very pleasing singer. Mr. Ross, a gentle- man from your city, who is very much liked, and is an excel- lent comic singer, has been here a short time; it is to be hoped he will make a lengthened stay in Newcastle. In con- clusion wc would adviseMr. Balmbra to keep better liquors'for the future as the only thing worth drinking is the bottled porter. I remain, dear Paul, Your well- wisher, NEWMAN NOGGS. ( To Paul Pry, Esq.) WOOLWICH, 20th Sept. 1849. DEAR PAUL,— From being in the habit of perusing your popular journal, I have ascertained tbat one of our fraternity — a man, who, I apprehend, in every sense of the word is a misanthropist— signing himself " Blue- Cuff," has, in no very measured terms, endeavoured to animadvert on the impro- priety^ as he thinks fit to term it, of soldiers perambulating the adjacencies of our barracks, aud, in the society of lovely women, eliciting that genuine pleasure which the dear crea- tures, alone, can afford to us genuine military cosmopolites. Surely " Blue- Cuff," must be no other than one of those morose anti- woman lovers, who, now- a- days do discredit to society— who, on no tangible grounds, endeavour to asperse the reputation of women, and hold up to public scrutiny female character; but, which, after passing the ordeal, issues forth upon us untarnished, and laughs at the profluency of inveteracy which characterizes the impugners of^ emale con- duct. Indeed, " Blue Cuff" reminds one of the'adage rela- tive to tbo dog in the manger ; for, neither can he, it seems, enjoy the pleasure of female society, himself, nor permit bis contemporaries to do so. But, were he placed in the posi- tion in which I stand, he would not appear to the public, " Like patience on a monument grinning at beef ;" but, casting off the trammels of criminatory propensities, in- volving his own private reputation, and partially that of the female visitants to our military exhibitions, and conducive of results which fall far short of those aimed at, would af- ford some modest she the pleasure of his society, and, thereby, endeavour to add another ray to the halo of happiness which now sheds its refulgency over the heads of our beaux militahe ; heaven bless these dear little creatures ! wcre it not for their endearing society, what, under Providence, would become of us poor sons of Mars ? Surely, for soldiers, at times, to for- get their avocations, and, in the society of tbat choicest of gifts with which mankind has been blessed— the remem- brance of whom has, ere now, inspired the soldier to deeds of valor— feel the influence of their smiles, is neither out of the ordinary course of nature, nor opposed to the strictest moral rectitude of charactcr ; and, whether in public or in private, wo kneel at tbe shrine ofthe blind deity, there cannot be any tangible grounds for speaking with that asperity which cha- racterizes tho productions of the pen oi" Blue Cuff." As for my part, the very idea of meeting my pretty little " Eliza," in tbe afternoon, is one of the greatest sources of pleasure which I find, and no matter to what extent I may at times feel annoyed, the mentioning of my " little doxy," such as," Ah I Jack, I'll tell Eliza," will at once banish my anger, and restore my equanimity. There is nothing, my dear Paul, would afford me more pleasure than being put t in the possession of the address of " Blue Cuff," so that'I might have the pleasure of introdu c- ing him to some of my female acquaintance, and I would willingly stake nry integrity that,; Mr. " Blue Cuff's" pen would, henceforth, bo employed in laudations of the sex, and propugning their innoccnt amusements. I really do believe that " Blue Cuff" has some germs of the softer passion embedded in his bosom, requiring only tbe proximity of the softer sex to give them bloom, and I trust I shall soon be told by Paul Pry, Esq., that: uch germs have, blossomed, and are now yielding fruit— yea, fructifying freely. I am, dear Paul, yours truly, PLUME. PAUL i- itr ; THE REFORMER OF THE AGE. 3 PAUL ADVISES Mrs. Y— s, the gossip of New- buildings, Fox and Knott- court, not to scandalise ber neighbours, but to attend to her own business, and not allow her daughters to get drunk, Miss Harriet S— s, dressmaker, late of Beckford row, Walworth, not to let Mr. M— take liberties with her, when in the parlour togetlier, arid him a married man. Harriet, I did think you knew better; aud his wife down stairs washing. Reform. R, M— e, of Middletou- street, Clerkenwell, not to be so fast as he is a mere boy, and not to frequent public houses in Islington of an evening, and before you attempt to engross- the whole of the conversation in the parlour, learn to speak correctly. Mrs. 13— 1, of the Coach and Horses, Eyre Street- hill, to look out, as Paul bas his eye upou her. We'll bet a penny tbe hint will be sufficient. The Hash butcher of Cold Arbour- lano, Brixton, not to swear at his agent, and to bo regular in his half- a- crtrwn payments. Mrs. H— of Kensington- buildings, not to stand at her gate and talk about her neighbours, and to let her daughter Ann bave the milkman. A. B— s, at Mr. T—' s, of St. John- street, to recollect what she has been and what she is, and not imagine herself hand- some, or to boast about her young man. The grey- headed old snob, near tbe Flask Inn, Highgate, to stay at home and mind that handsome little wife of his, or he may lose her. How about getting swipey the other night, old flick? J. M— I, of tlic Wenlock Brewery, not to be seen with so many different girls, for it don't look well. G— r, butcher, of Little Chelsea, not to talk so much about the young women of Chelsea- grove. Mrs. P— n, laundress, C— ll- square, Chelsea, not to encou- rage men at her house drinking, especially the fat- headed milkman. Mrs. S— n, landlady of the King's Arms, Chelsea, not to insult her customers, and look after her daughter a little more. Miss C. C—% of the little chandler's shop, near the Queen's Arms, Marlboroilgh- road, not to have such a good opinion of herself, by so. doing, she lessens her value much with others. W. N.! alias Watch- makier, of Drury- lane, not to think he is a gentleman, since he has got a valet. Hannah F—, alias Black Diana, the conceited housemaid of Charles- street, Berkeley- square, to dispense with a little of her vanity, an< J not to think all men are in love with her, for they are not* How about being jilted twice in six months by that bit of plush and old bald- pate; Paul has often heard them laugh at her vanity. Do not turn and look after tbe men as you go along the street, it does not look well. H. W. B— y, the walking nanny- goat of B.- place, Bays- water, to leave off giving his father's cards to every girl ho meets. Reform, you conceited puppy, or Paul will give you another poke. Mr. W— n, the hatter, of Newington- causeway, to select a more retired place than Gravesend for his crown- sewer to go to. F— k B— n, of York- street, Hackney- road, to mind he does not lose his head some windy morning, and not to make himself so ridiculous at the Sunday- school, because the senior teachers do not like it. The men at the King and Queen Iron Works, Rotherhithe, are recommended to behave themselves, and not act like fools with the girls of tho house, at the Jolly Sailors, Lower- road, Deptford; they had better be at home with their wives. Mr. II-—, at the Mitro, Islington, to let the bagatelle players' beer alone. F. H— n, of Princoss- street, Leicester- square, to attend more to business and less to a Miss Fanny B— n, of Seven- Dials. G. W— d, the apprentice at Mr. H— t's, draper, in Camden- road, not to give himself such airs, and to remember that civility is due to every one, especially to customers. Mrs. W— y, pork- butcher, Little East- street, Seven- Dials, not to be seen playing with her husband in the shop, as it looks very ridiculous. Mrs. T— r, opposite the workhouse, Poplar, not to gossip so mueh with other people's husbands, but mind her own business, and wash her youngun's face. The wiry- lieaded pie- boy of Ray- street, Clerkenwell, to leave his pugilistic propensities alone, and attend to his Eel, Fruit, and Kidnies, or he will get a tap that will make him. We should like to know if he is auy relation to his dog. John R— n, not to sponge so much upon his father- in- law, of the Rope- ground, Poplar. PROVINCIAL. MIDDLESEX.— Mrs. C— ts, the barber's wife, of Isle- worob, to mind her own business, and teach her daughter to do tbe same; if not, tlie writer will use other means. KENT.— Coachey M— n, of L— d- street, Dartford, to learn how to behave himself, before he attempts to learn to dcinc6> Mary Ann H— t, of St. Romains, Dartford, to mind her own business, and not to be seen so often with that little fop F. M— 1. A few of the inhabitants, of Sutton- at- Honc, to be on the qui- vivo, particularly that pug nosed, sickly- looking spooney, of a would- be butler, of Sutton- place, Mr. H— n, alias " Bob Sparrow- legs," as Paul, is about to pay a visit in that quarter, and will not fail to give each their merited deserts. Bombo B—, of Woolwich, not to be so fastidious relative to his nails and hair, for Miss Emily C— s has " cut" him altogether. Horse Artillery cloth jackets arc no go now, it seems, they cannot retain the affections of the ladies. Never mind B—, Prince of Wales' Charlotte, has not forgotten you, and though her mouth is. minus of its ivories, she can still give yon a sweet (?) buss. J. C— r, the diminutive barber, of Artillery- place, not to disfigure the heads of tho soldiers, whose hair he is employed to. cut. It would be more advisable for him to remain at home, cat- gut scraping, and gulping lexicography, than to shew his flauncl skull about the soldier's barracks, aping the dandy, and endeavouring to impress people with an idea of his greatness and literary abilities. Keep out of the road " toady," or Paul will give you a tune to play on your " gurdy," which will baffle your skill of music- murder. SHEFFIELD.— Sally, at the Barrel, Bridgeliouses, not to encourage too many young men at a time. Paul thinks Stick Tommy a very nice young man, the other Tommy would bo better able to handle a fiddle's grandsire, or a pinch of snuff, better than a young wife, besides he has several other engage- ments. BRISTOL— John P— s, the don clicker, at Mr. C—' s, the boot and shoemaker, of Old Market- street, not to run after a certain butcher's daughter, of Lawrence- hill, as she don't want him, and to recollect that " pride goeth before a fall." Paul knows all about how tho Miss M—' s, of Moorficlus, gave him the sack. Miss Louisa J— s, the boot aud shoemaker's daughter, of Old Market- street, not to imagine that all tho young men of Bristol is in love with her. SURREY.— Mrs. D—, the laundress, of Marsh- gate, Rich- mond, to pay her women before she discharges them, and not to suffer herself to be talked about. Mrs. II—, the little laundress, of Marsh- gate, Richmond, not to get drunk, and abuse her neighbours. J. W—, carrier, of Marsh- gate, Richmond, not to imagine that he is going to get married to E. H—, the laundress. She is like the weather, Jack, very changeable. S. IT—, alias pretty Jack, the one- eyed man, of Merton, near the King's Ilead^ to get to his work, and declare off his club as soon as possible. EXETER.— J. A. M— b, not far from the Exeter- bank, to discontinue playing with the maid- servants so much. You had better be careful, young man, or else your papa will be obliged to pay 2s. Od. per week. John, my boy, why don't you pay the men ( Ewens and others) for ringing the bells, at St. Davld's- church, on the' 20th of June? We shall give you a rap again shortly. Harry P— e, Dick S— r, alias " Bandy Legs, and Alfred B— r, not to stay out late of an evening with loose girls. Have you each paid your snpscriptions for cricket? How about the tart woman at Bury Meadow ? You coves had better pay tho old soul. Walter R— e, alias " tho Sailor Boy," musician, to leave off playing at skittles, Paul lias seen you at the Greyhound. Pay the money you lose in betting, or your father will cer- tainly be informed of your bad habits. How about the girl in West- street? You and Alfjmust be careful of Paul. W. F—, tinman, St. Thomas, ( whose name is somewhat less than Five Acres), to pay B— e fbr the Quarter's dancing last year, or you will hear from Paul again. Tom T— t, South- street, to refrain from talking about tho young lady of Plymouth, who has £ 30,000 for her fortune. Is that flash cap of your's paid for. How about paying your share for tho hire of the boat in going down ou Exmouth Bar. G. T—• t, not far from the Lower Market, not to think of deceiving a certain lady with whom he walks, or Paul will expose his proceedings at -—-——-. J. Q— e, that dirty young swell, not a 100 miles from King's- alley, to allow that poor girl more than Is. 6d. per week; it is not enough to keep the child. Mrs. M— s, wife of a tailor, not a 100 miles from the Civet Cat, not to spend so much money in dress and drink, as a rainy day may come when tho money would bo more useful. A. D. M— e, at the N. P. B., with his nobby head of hair not to ape the military gent, or he may be taken for a deser- ter from the regiment of " Spoonies." DORSETSHIRE.— G. M— r, of Bridport,. to drop his " grey goose quil,". and no more to bore the people of Brid- port by " burking " the sublime and beautiful. Longlegged- beauty, the ironmonger's son, at Bridport, not to go so often to a certain house, to see certain young ladies, who rejoice in a certain profession, ' yclept school- keeping, or Paul will a tale unfold. J. L— g, of Bridport, ( one of the haters of Paul Pry) not practice himself so much, by going to the Bridport Arms, in South- street, and taking one of the loose girls over East- bridge. Recollect, if Paul sees you there any more, he will give you a poke with his parachute, that will send both of you in the river. . Mr. F— t, of Bridport, to pay more attention to his intended sister- in- law, and not allow her to go home by herself after paying a visit. Old G. B— t, sen., of Warcham, not to open his tater- trap so wide, whilst singing, as it gives the congregation the uglies. Joe Hine B— g, alias " Sergeant Bumpus," of Wareham, not to get drunk when ho drives his daughter to Blaud- ford. H— y B— t, the carpenter's boy, of Wareham, not to take such late walks by moonlight, near the sea, with the bar- ber's sister, or else Paul will tell Putty's daughter. Black Bear Jim, of Warcham, not to boast in the pothouses of putting his father in Paul Pry. Joram G— s, or Young Hopeful, of Wareham, not to wear the old hat that Sarah begged of Beu T— 11. Black- muzzle D— n, nicknamed Dibby, of Wareham, not to stop in the passage with the servant girl. Beware of tho 2s. 6d. per week, Spooney. SOUTH SHIELDS.— Miss J. R— d, of Dean- street, not to go to meet W. S— p, tho printer, so often in the Market- place, when he does not want her company. Mr. W. C— 11, not to brag so much of his cricketing, but to take care of Mrs. W— 1. Miss A. T— e, alias tho " Prussian's Daughter," not to imagine she looks well. Miss E. Y— g, alias the " Tight Fit and Easy," not to be so self- conceited. Mr, G. M— 13, alias " Tripes," not to go aboutj gathering cigar stumps. S. S— n, alias the " Mayor's Pet," to get his boot heels heightened before visiting Saville- street again, as elevation is quite necessary. If he should not take this gentle hint, allow her to lead him by the hand, a3 he might pass for her eldest, I say, Jack, are you going to tho Mayor's ball this year. J. A— s, of Peg- alley, to look after Miss C— r, and not run after the girls in King- street so much. The Misses M. C— r, A. II— n, and M. S— t, manteau- makers, of Alderson- street, not to cut it so fat at the flower- show, for Paul has his eye on them. J. D— n, of Cookson's quay, not to cut it so fat With his tobacco- pipe, for it makes him sick. J. M— n, alias " Bolden Jack," Market- place, draper, not to lie seen with that foppish draper's- assistant, or yon will very soon see him go through his wonderful mountebank tricks. John, how about the pipe making you sick? Mr. J. W—, not to cut such a swell, because the public knows that he is Miss W—' s father. Miss A—, Market- place, not to stuff. her bustle with hay, it would be much better if she would stuff it with feathers, there would not be so many two legged asses after her. J— n M— li, alias the " Talented . Draper," from Bolden, not to imagine it looks well walking with his master's ser- vant at nights with such high airs, or perhaps he will very soon have 2s. 6d. a week to pay. Miss Sarah A— n B— 1, not to boast so muchrof putting J— n B— 1 in Paul Pry, but to stick more to the daft tailor John M— 1. Miss M. S— n, Church- row, not to imagine that she is such a genteel figure. Mr. J. D— n, draper, of the Market- place, and Miss M. A. E— h, of Laygate- lane, not to visit Laygate Quarry at un- timely hours. Miss E. W— s, Tliames- strect, not to run about after M. M— s, the butcher, so much, as he does not care much about her. John S— n, brazier, of Dean- street, not to be seen at a certain public house, in Kepple- strcet, playing at baga- telle. Mat C— k, watchmaker, King- street, not to boast so much about his master being put iu Paul Pry, but to look a little sharper after Miss M— y S— n, Church- row. J. II— r, draper's- assistant, Market- place, not to go through so many of his wonderful feats at a time, or perhaps, lie will break his groat long neck, and not to cut such a swell with, that cabbage coat and that fancy tie of his, or- perhaps Paul will choke him with it. W. F— r, tbe great brewer, of Oyston- street; not to run after the girls so much when he gets drunk, but to look better after the pig. D. II— s, alias ": Pitch, tho Bowler," not to run after Miss S— s so much, or he may have 2s, 6d. a week to pay. H. B—, tho great quaker boy, of King- street, not to go with G. S—, tho draper's lad, to certain public houses, and getting glasses of grog and smoking pipes of tobacco. N. P— n, alias " Banquo's Ghost," the darkey playactor, not to make such a fool of himself when giving recitations. So look out, Banquo, or Paul will give you another poke. J. P— n, potmaker, at the Crown glass- works, not to talk about the flower- show so much, and his ploying on tile saxe- horn. How about J. P.' s best whiskey at 4d. per glass? M, S— t, at the mautuamaker's, Alderson- street, and Miss L— n, to keep their tongues still, and mind their own busi- ness, and not to go up Westoe lane- T. W— ds, mantuamaker, of Milc- cnd- road, with tbe rest of that clique, not to disgrace themselves any further. NORTH SHIELDS.— J. B— e, mariner, to pay more at- tention to M. P— s, or he will be losing Iier. Take care, Johnny, Paul has his ey. o on you. E. S— h, the little fat girl, at the doctor's, in Howard- street, not to have so many airs about lier when she gets away with a party, or Paul will tell about the umbrella and the potatoes. Meggy C— k, not to run after R— t, the loiig- leg^ ed painter, in case of a blooming maid residing on the banks of the silvery Tyne should get to know it. John W— e, joiner, not to think so much of himself. Paul said nothing about the run- away trip to Loudon. How about the little girl and the child? Louisa H— c, not to cut it so fat, Paul never- said lier father was a scullerman. J. W— e, of Oakham^ ane, Never to appear as Parrahaseus, the artist, again, And if at Billy's he intends to come out, Let him wait till he gets his " togs " down the spout. We likewise advise that son of Old Nicholas, Who has got a head that looks very ridiculous, Not to talk of people going to tbe till, As coming from bim and " W." it looks very ill, And, Dicky, the only thing to save you from consumption Is to rub your great head with three penny'orth of unction. NEWCASTLE- HFON- TYNE.— Tommy C— e, Lawyer's- clerk, Arcade, not to imagine he cuts a swell with his tight cords and Newmarket coat. Paul thinks the coat was never made for him. Recollect, old boy, the time when you where a cab- driver. M. B— n, the hairy tobacconist, Collingwood- street, not to be seen going arm in arm with Tommy, the brewer. That six feet ofignorance, Bob A— n, of the Lcazes- laue, to doff that seedy white tile he paid Is, for, and attend a little more to the bustle maker. J. B— n, of Prudhoe- street, not to run after Miss R— n, of Clayton- street, so much, nor to buy pictures to present to her, and say that he painted them. T. I)— s, of Stowell- street, not to alarm the whole street, by going home drunk every night,- asking the neighbours if they will have a tune on the piano. A. J— 1, of Grey- street, not to run after the nymphs ofthe pave, but to stick bettor to his work. He will then be better able to pay his debts. Mr. J. S— 1, not to pay so much attention to the Pawn- broker's daughter, in Pilgrim- street, as she told Paul she was not partial to carrots. W. W— r, joiner, of P— y- street, not to be seen so much with Miss M. R— y, the straw bonnet- maker, Pilgrim- street, or we will tell Miss C—. How about the now coat ? W. L— e, broker's clerk, not to wear that elegant green felt wide- a- wake so much, as it is well known in the neighbour- hood of the market, and the Leazes, and we wonder if he has a hat at all. THE FRAIL SISTERHOOD. PIVOINE. CHAPTER XXI. ( Concluded.) " Yes, Mademoiselle. I want my money:' and, besides, I do not like young women who lead astray young men of family?" The worthy hostess had not always been so severe. But we know the old adage:—" Other times, other manners." " Well," she resumed, " can you pay mc?" " I have— no— money," replied Pivoine, stammering. " I am sorry for it, but I keep your key and all tbat is in the room. I will have your dresses valued, and sold by a broker; and tho surplus, if there is any, shall be faithfully remitted you. Good day. Mademoiselle, you can seek another lodging." " Tis infamous!" muttered the young girl. " If you liko to plead," said the hostess in a tone of rail- lery, " do so; we will have law!" Pivoine was too proud to beseech such a woman. She rose and left; her brow lofty, but her heart bursting, and her senses bewildered. Scarcely had sho closed the door be- hind her, when she gave vent to silent sobs, and two little streams trickled from her eyes. At the first step of the staircase sho brushed against a young man who was ascending. " A thousand pardons, Madame," said the latter. Then looking more fixedly at the young girl, who hid her face m- her handkerchief, he exclaimcd:— " What, ' tis you, Mademoiselle Pivoine! 1 have been seeking you the whole morning." Pivoinc hastily dried away her tears, and replied, in a voicc she endeavoured to render calm:— " You— have— been— seeking me— M. Arsenc?" " Why, you are weeping," continued Bac. ku, for it was himself. " What has happened to you? Is anything the matter, then ?" " All! I am very— very unhappy 1" Arse le trembled with joy at the sight of this grief— the C. tuse of which, whatever it was, must, according to his cal- culations, throw Pivoine into his arms. " Tell me what lias happened," he continued; " you know that I am your friend." The young girl, in a few words, made him acquainted with the facts. " What, is tbat all?" he exclaimed, when she had finished. " Come up Wi'tU me, I beg of you. All shall be arranged." 2 PAUL PRY ; THE REFORMER OF THE AGE Arsene, in fact, sent for the mistress of the hotel, and said to her:—" Will you be good enough, Madame, to re- instate Mademoiselle in immediate possession of what belongs to her here; in a quarter of an hour I will bring you the sum due to you from my friend Virgil." " Here is the key," replied the landlady, who recalled to her lips her most gracious smiles, " and I entreat Mademoi- selle not to think—" " Mademoiselle dispenses with any apology from you! " said the young man in a dry tone, and he entered with Pivoine the apartments she occupied. " Oh! my friend," exclaimed the young girl the moment they were alone, and warmly pressing his hand; " how good and generous you are, and how much I am indebted to you." " You owe me nothing, my dear child; I can oblige you, and I do so; is not all the pleasure on my side? But come, let us think a little of the future. You cannot any longer inhabit this house in which you have been almost insulted. From to- day, I will seek for some other apartments. What do you say?" " Do so, my friend." " Very good. This evening I will call for you; we will go and dine together, and, if you will allow it, I will take you to the opera, this will amuse you a little. And, besides," he added, with a smile, " you know that I am not dangerous!" " Be it so," replied Pivoine. " We will do as you wish." Arsene retired triumphant. Henceforth he was sure of possessing the charming girl, and to obtain this result, it only required a little time and a little address. He was greatly smitten beyond dispute, and above all very desirous to arrive at a denouement; but beneatht his love, as beneath that of Virgil, there was more of vanity than of real ten- derness. This ( by way of parenthesis) is less rare than is supposed regarding women of a too remarkable beauty. The pride of possession but too frequently banishes happiness. The young Bachu, in the course of the day, hired, in the Rue Madame, at the corner of the Rue de Fleures, a small set of apartments on the fifth floor, and promised to send there, on the morrow, some plain but coquettish furniture, and to instal Piroine there; reserving to himself the pleasure of causing her" a very agreeable surprise, when he informed her that the furniture of the rooms she occupied was entirely her own. This done, Bachu went for his future mistress; he took her to dine with him as ho had promised her; he then conducted her to the opera, and the evening passed away almost gaily. ( To be continued in our next.) LAUGHABLE THINGS IN NEWCASTLE. J, T— d, of the Arcade, buying a gutta percha life- pre- server to kill Paul Pry, when he catches him in Newcastle. Jem M— n, of Westgate- street, threatening to leave New- castle because he appeared in Paul Pry. T. D— s, twisting his fingers in the street, as if he was a pianist. Ned E— t's nobby head of hair, and carrying the milk can. William P— n's nobby head of hair, prodigious snout, and gold watch guard, with a sixpenny watch. Jimmy T— e's parchment mug and queer style of walking. IN BRIDPORT. Amelia C— y, near the Pymore- gate, and Mary Ann F— s, near Eagle passage, taking a chalked penny- piece each for half- a- crown, and not finding out their mistake till tendering the same at the linendraper's shop in payment for six yards of pink ribbon. Take care in future. IN SOUTH SHIELDS. The inconsistency of John E— n, thc boy of all work, of Wellington- terrace, in professing a sincere affection for the pretty housemaid, and the fat old indecent cook. Refrain from such work, John, or we will beat you again. IN POOLE. B— d, the grocer, selling red herrings with a ring on his finger. Doctor L— y's fat pigs. Fishmonger K— t, collaring and offering to fight a small fish- boy for a halfpenny toll. Bill F— e's polite manner of swearing. Fogle eyed old F— e's desperate antipathy to my friend Jerry, also the brown donkey hat of the same animal. Bread- basket D— s, being so bedizened with chains and rings, that Paul did not know him the other night. WHAT PAUL NEVER SAID. That J. P. C—, of Walworth- common, is engaged to Miss C. N— n, of Camberwell, for the truth is, that he is despe- rately smitten with the charms of the baker's daughter next door. BARNES. To Gentlemen and others whom it may concern. To be sold by auction, in the course of the week, by Simon Tickle'em, the following lots:— 1. A tough old woman, well known as the evil adviser, very partial to a drain of max. Her common language is swearing. The purchaser of this lot must keep her under, or she'll drain him dry. 2. A young woman about 30, with two kids, daughter of the above; is very partial to married men, especially pork butchers. A fine opportunity for the pork butchers in the borough. 3. A ditto ditto, height about 4 feet 2 in., slender waist, and cross features, lately occupied by a carpenter of Barnes. The purchaser of this lot must use tin plates and dishes, or he will have a smash very often. 4. A great quantity of the same description suitable for all classes. Catalogues to be had of the Auctioneer, Rhubarb- place, Dark Alley, Barnes. The lots can be viewed any day previous to the day of sale. RULES OF THE MEARNS TODDY- DRINKING SOCIETY. In taking sugar, no one allowed to use his fingers instead of the tongs. No toddy to be made more than half whiskey. No one to drink out of his tumbler, and then help some one out of it. No one to take more than four tumblers. The above rules are respectfully dedicated to those most in need of them, viz., B— kh— e, Young J— n P— k, Rab H— e, and the Darning Needle, with a wish that they may effect their complete reformation, by the author, and their obedient servant, ADAM PAX XHJS YOUHOEB. RULES OF A GOSSIPPING- CLUB HELD AT BRID- PORT, UNDER THE PATRONAGE OF MADAME H AND HER DAUGHTERS. Ist. That this club be called " Madame H— s Gossipping Club," and that it meet every Monday evening, from 8 till 10 o'clock. 2nd. That each member shall know the particulars of everybody's affairs in the town, but shall know nothing of their own on any pretence whatever. 3rd. Any member attending to household affairs when a gossip can be obtained, to be expelled. 4th. Each member shall attend two hours each day, at the street door, to endeavour to get up a yarn. 5th. Any member having occasion to call upon another member, shall uot leave under one hour's yarn, under any pretence whatever, unless the house should be on fire. 6th. Should the child of any member be burned to death during a gossip, the whole of the members to assemble im- mediately, and stand a quartern of " the best" each, byway of consolation to the afflicted member. 7th, That each member, in repeating a yarn about their neighbours, shall make as small addition as possible to what is told them, to allow each member the chance of adding a little. For instance, should a member hear of two persons having a few words together, the story shall not exceed a " dreadful fight, and the death of one of the parties," by the time it has gone through the whole club. The following ladies have joined the club:— President, Miss H— e; Vice- President, Miss B— r; Members, Misses H— tts, Misses H— lis, Misses F— ts, and several others. Secretary to the Club, Miss J. M— r; Whipper- in, Mr. G. M— r. The rest of the rules will be forwarded at a future period. H. MATTHISSE, Chairman. CORRESPONDENCE. 65T PAUL PISY will be sent free, direct from the Office, to any part of the United Kingdom, on the remittance of two postage stamps. *** Every letter, for the future, containing advice, must be ac- companied by three postage stamps.— All letters for insertion in the current number must reach our office five days prior to the publication of our journal, or they cannot be inserted. T. U. Z. ( South Shields').— We have so many correspondents in your locality, that every advice must carry the usual number of stamps to ensure insertion. Your last was perfectly correct. 0. Z. E. ( Camberwell).— We never received the letter you speak of, or we should have inserted it. We shall be happy to hear from you as often as convenient. A LOVER OF REFORM, ( South Shields).— It has never fallen to our lot to wade through so much^ trash as the ill- spelt, worse- written letter you had the stupidity to post us. If it were possible to have printed it in its grammatical form, as sent, we should have done so; but the wretched hieroglyphic style, and utter want of sense displayed, so disgusted the compositors, that they one and all refused to tackle the ravings of such a madman. We would advise your friends to have your head shaved, and by all means not to allow you pen, ink, and paper, to rob people of their time by thrusting your maniacal ravings upon their noticc. P. B. ( South Shields).— Three for each. ALI B.— No doubt it was in consequence of your writing on both sides of the paper. A FRIEND TO PAUL, ( South Shields).— Have the goodness for the future, to write only on one side of the paper. We were compelled to destroy three or four advices, in conse- quence of your not following our rules. MONS. BENEDICT, ( North Shields).— We can assure you your letters have not reached our office, or they would have been attended to. G. W. ( Exeter).—- We shall be most happy to accept your proffered services. Anything you may send will have every attention paid to it. We also beg to thank you for the interest you take in our behalf. G. A. ( Bridport).— Most certainly. A correspondent at Sutton- at- Hone is informed, we shall be happy to hear from him as often as convenient. The number sent was perfectly correct. VERITAS, ( Greenwich).— Have the goodness to send your laughable things again, as the former ones are mislaid. NEWMAN NOGGS.— We thank you for your offer, and shall be happy to hear from you. LEX.— We do not say the parties referred to are in the habit of running up heavy costs; but knowing most lawyers are apt to charge too heavily, we only advise those parties not to fall into the common course. Our previous " Pencil- lings" will be found in Nos. 22, 27, 33, 38, and 46. JANE.— We are sorry we cannot forward your note to the lady, for we have not her address. We have, therefore, burnt it, as desired. PHILLIS.— By no means: if the young man referred to in your note still persists in paying his addresses to you, get some private friend to acquaint him that his attentions are dis- agreeable to you, and we make no doubt the hint will be taken. PUG.— Always happy to hear from you. Your article came too late for insertion in our current number. MANILLA, ( Paddington.)— We thank you for your kind offer, of which we shall be happy to avail ourselves. Merely for the sake of authenticating what is sent, you may be an exception if you think proper. All letters are destroyed after being copied for the printer. TAKE CARE OF YOUR TEETH; If your Teeth are discoloured from neglect, and there is an accu- mulation of Tarter upon them, it is offensive to the sight, imparts a foulness to the breath, and destroys the Teeth and Gums, producing Scurvy, & c„ have it instantly removed, and your Teeth beautifully burnished, for Is, 6d., by MR. ALEXANDER, Dentist, 74, St. Martin's Lane. If your Teeth are Decayed, have them immediately Stopped with a pure and harmless substance, invented by Mr. Alexander, preventing Tooth Ache andfurther decay, for Is. The Teeth will then be rendered sound and useful as ever, and the disease prevented from affecting the adjoining Teeth. If, however, from inattention to those rules, you have lost your Teeth, have them immediately replaced by the successful and scientific methods used by Mr. Alexander, by which the extraction of roots, or any painful operation is rendered unnecessary, for 2s. 6d. per Tooth, Or you will entail upon yourself the numerous diseases which indigestion gives rise to, from insufficient mastication of the food, besides the great disfigurement ofthe face, which loss of Teeth occasions. In cases of Extraction ofthe Teeth, they are generally wrenched out with brute force, regardless of the various directions of the fangs of each, producing incalculable injury, great and unnecessary pain, and frequent loss of portions ofthe jaw. Ilave your's extracted by Mr. Alexander's newly- invented instruments, causiug the least possible pain, for 6d. MB. ALEXANDER, DENTIST, 74, St. Martin's Lane, near Long Acre, ( From Mr. Gavin's, 23, Southampton Street, Strand.) ' PRIVATE, IMPORTANT, AND PRACTICAL HINTS, on all SECBET DISEASES, Generative Weakness, and Nervous Debility, & c., with Plain Directions for Cure, price Sixpence, post- free Eightpence. By DR. F. WALTON, M. B. C. S., & c., who may be confidentially consulted ( without afee) from 8 a. m., to 10 p. m., daily, at his residence, No. 55, Gt. Queen Street, Lincolu's- Inn- Fielda. Established Twenty Years. Gonorrhoea and ordinary cases of Syphilis perfectly eradicated within a week. Per- sons labouring under Seminal Weakness, or Nervous Debility, re- stored to vigorous health iu one month. Country patients fully des- cribing their complaints, age and sex, can have a Case of Medicine forwarded with the greatest secresy, sufficient to effect a complete cure. N. B.— Medicine with advice forwarded, sub rosa, immediately on the receipt of one pound. All letters promptly answered. EXTRAORDINARY SUCCESS OF THE NEW REMEDY WHICH IN NO INSTANCE HAS EVER BEEN KNOWN TO FAIL 111 TAR. WALTER DE ROOS, 1, Ely- place, Holborn- hill, London JJ earnestly invites every one suffering from those dangerous and hitherto considered incurable diseases, arising from Solitary and Se- dentary Habits, Indiscriminate Excesses, Infection, such as Gonorr- hoea, Gleet, Stricture, and Syphilis, or Venereal Disease, in all their varieties and stages— which, owing to improper treatment by ignorant and experimentalising quacks, almost always end in Gravel, Pains in the Kidneys, Back and Loins, and finally death— to avidl them- selves of his important discoveries, which, during an immense practice, he has found of the utmost certainty, and to surpass all other modes ot treatment yet known. The vast amount of practice Dr. DE Boos has had at the principal hospitals in Londou and on the continent, enables him to treat, with the utmost certainty of cure, this calamitous class of diseases, which have, up to the present time, been quite beyond the reach of medical men; for though they have succeeded by the old system in arresting or allaying the first symptoms, it is an universal fact that these have been invariably followed by diseases of a far more dangerous and painful character, called Secondary Symptoms, which, in plain language, is synony- mous with a Lingering Death ! But, thanks to science, he is now, after many years of study and practice, aided by the modern irn- Erovements in Chemistry, in possession of the only remedy by which e guarantees a perfect and lasting cure, and also eradicates every symptom of disease, whether primary or secondary. This truth has already been manifested in many thousands of instances; and, as a further guarantee, he undertakes to cure the most inveterate case in A FEW DAYS, without suspension from business, or return the money. AU those deemed INCUBABLE, are particularly invited. Country patients will be minute in the detail of their cases, as that will render a personal visit unnecessary.— Advice, with medecine £ 1. Patients corresponded with till cured. Females may, with the utmost safety, confide themselves to the care of Dr. DE Boos, as the most inviolable secrecy and delicacy are observed, and as no two patients are ever admitted at the same time, to the same room, or allowed to depart together, the posssibility of contact, or exposure, is entirely prevented. — At home daily, from 10 till 1, and 4 till 8 ; Sundays, 10 till 1.— Post Office Orders payable at the Holborn Office, to Walter de Boos, M. D., 1, ELY- PLACE, HOLBOBN- HILL, LONDON. Read Dr. de Roos' Celebrated Work. Just published, 64th Thousand, 144 pages, Illustrated with numerous Coloured Engravings, in a sealed envelope, from the Author, and all respectable Booksellers, in English French, or German, 2s.; or free by post for 32 postage stamps. THE MEDICAL ADVISEB. An Essay on the Obligations ot Marriage ; the Treatment and Cure of all those Secret Disorders arising from early Excesses and Infections, with plain directions for the removal of every disqualification, with ease, seeresy, and safety. " This work is indeed a boon to the public, as it has the two- fold advantage of plainness and being written by a duly qualified man- who evidently understands his subject."— Daily Times. ONE TBIAL ONLY is solicited, as that will prove the value of the Compound BENAL PILLS for speedily curing Gonorrhoea, Gleet, Stricture, Gravel, Lumbago, Pains in the Back, Diseases of the Bladder, Kidneys, and Urinary Organs generally, whether resulting from imprudence or otherwise. These t ills have never been known to fail, and can only be obtained of Dr. De Boos, 1, Ely- place, Holborn- hill, London, Price 2s. 9d. and 4s. 6d. per Box. N. B. Sufferers are cautioned, as they value life, to guard against youthful impostors, who, for obvious reasons, dishonestly copy this announcement. TRY ERE YOU DESPAIR.- HOLLOWAY'S PILLS. CORE OF ASTHMA.— Extract of a letter fron Mr. Benjamin Mackie a respectable Quaker, dated Creenagh, near Loughall, Ireland dated September 11th, 1848.— To Professor Holloway.— Bespected Friend: Thy excellent Pills have effectually cured me of an Asthma which afflicted me for three years to such an extent, that I was obliged to walk my room at night for air, afraid of being suffocated if I went to bed by cough and phlegm. Besides taking the Pills, I rubbed plenty of thy Omtment into my chest night and morning. ( Signed) BENJAMIN MACKIE. CURE OF TYPHUS FEVER, WHEN SUPPOSED TO BE AT RARE POINT or DEATH.— A respectable female in the neighbourhood of Loughall was attacked with Typhus Fever, and lay for five days without having tasted any description of food. She was given over by the Surgeon, and preparations were made for her demise. Mr. Benjamin Mackie, the Quaker, whose case is referred to above, heard of the circumstance, and knowing the immense benefit that he himself had derived from Holloway's Pills, recommended an immediate trial, and eight were given to her, and the same number were continued night and morning for three days, and in a very short time she was com- pletely cured. N. B.— From advice just received. it appears that Colonel Dear who is with his Regiment in India, the 21st Fusileers, cured himself of a very bad attack of Fever by these celebrated Pills. There is no doubt that any Fever, however malignant, may be cured by taking, night and morning, copious doses of this fine medicine. The patient should be induced to drink plentifully of warm linseed tea or | barley water. CUBE OF DBOPSY IN THE CHEST.— Extract of a letter from; J. S. Munday Esq., dated Bennington, near Oxford, December 2nd,' l848. — To PKOFESSOB HOLLOWAY.— Sir,— My Shepherd for some time was afflicted with water on the chest, when I heard of it, I immediately advised him to try your Pills, which he did, and was perfectly cured, and is now as well as ever he was in his life. As I myself received so astonishing a cure last year from your Pills and Ointment, it has ever since been my most earnest endeavour to make known their excellent qualities. ( Signed) J. S. MUNDAY. THE EAKL OF ALDBOBOUGH CUBED OF A LIVER AND STOMACH COM; PLAINT.— Extract of a letter from his lordship, dated Villa Messina, Leghorn, 21st February, 1845.— To PBOFESSOK HOLLOWAY.— Sir,— Various circumstances prevented the possibility ofmy thanking you before this time tor your politeness in sending me your Pills as you did. I now take this opportunity of sending you an order for the amount, and at the same time, to add that your Pills have effected a cure of a disorder in my Liver and Stomach, which all the most eminent ofthe Faculty at home, and all over the Continent, had not been able to effect; nay, not even the waters of Carlsbad aud Ma- rienbad. I wish to have another box and a pot ofthe Ointment, in case any of my family should ever require either. Your most obliged and obedient servant. ( Signed) ALDBOBOUGH. CUBE OF A DEBILITATED CONSTITUTION.— Mr. Mate, a Storekeeper of Gundagai, New South Wales, had been for some time in a most delicate state of health, his constitution was so debiliated that his death was shortly looked upon by himself and friends as certain; but as a forlorn hope, he was induced to try Holloway's Pills, which had an immediate and surprising lellect upon his system, and the result was to restore him in a tew weeks to perfect health and strength, to the surprise of all who knew him. He considered his case so extraordinary that he, in gratitude sent it for publication, to the Sydney Morning Herald, in which paper it appeared on the 2nd January, 1848. A few doses of the Pills will quickly rally the energies of both body and mind, when other medicines have failed. These celebrated Pills are wonderfully efficacious in the following complaints. Ague Asthma Bilious Com- plaints Blotches on the skin Bowel Com- plaints Colics Constipation of thc Bowels Drospsy Dysentery Erysipelas Female Irreg- ularities Fevers of all kinds Fits Gout Head- ache Indigestion Consumption Inflammation Sore- throats Janudice Stone and Gravel Liver Complaints Secondary Symp- of Lumbago Piles Bheumat. ism Betention Urine Scrofula, or King' Evil Debility Scurvy Sold at the Establishment of PBOFESSOB HOILOWAY, 244, Strand ( near Temple Bar,) London, and by most all respectable Druggists and Dealers in Medicines throughout the civilized World, at the following prices:— Is. ljd., 2s. 9d„ 4s. 6d„ Us., 22s., 33s. each Box. There is a considerable saving by taking the larger sizes. N. B.— Directions for the guidance of Patients in every Disorder are affxed to each Box. toms Tic- Douloureux Tumors Ulcers Veneral Afl'ec- tions Worms of all kinds Weakness from whatever cause Printed and Published by the Proprietor, G. JOBKSTOHC, 12 Russell court, Brydges- street, Strand,
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