No. 195. SATURDAY, AUGUST 29, 1835. Prioe One Penny Satire should like a polish'd razor keen, Wound with a touch that's scarcely felt or seen.— LADY MONTAGUE. " Political Pasquinades and Political Caricatures are parts ( though humble ones,) of Political History. They supply information as to the person and habits often as to the motives and objects of public men, which cannot be found elsewhere."— CROKER'S NEW WHIG GUIDE. FIGARO IX LONDON. THE POLITICAL COMET ! THE present is warm weather in more places than one, and it is very naturally supposed that the cause of the heat is the expected Comet. There are, however, two Comets ; one which is threatening to cook the world like a piece of beef, making the sea, as it were, the gravy with which it is surrounded. But though there is a Comet in the air which is setting fire to Wanstead Flats, there is a Comet in the political hemisphere which is setting other flats on fire, and putting into a blazing fury various parties connected with the political world, whose extensive flares up create considerable amusement in those who are witnesses of their inflammability. The Comet to which we allude is made up of a variety of ingre- dients ; the principal of which is Reform, which constitutes the body, while the head and tail are formed out of materials of a VOL. IV. very fiery kind— the head being that of the great Irish Agitator, and the tail being that of the various Irish Members, whose hot temperament is found dreadfully oppressive to those flats— the Lords— who, ably typified as frogs, are represented in the carica- ture of the artiste Seymour. As the great Political Comet whirls about the air, and whizzes over the heads of the poor parliamentary frogs, it dries up the damp and polluted sources of sinecure, at the same time creating a healthful and purifying aridity in the marshes of corruption over which it is hovering. The great Irish Comet also roasts unmercifully all those that fall under the in- fluence of its scorching heat, and altogether plays the very devil with that very numerous class which herds with the political frogs in the swamps of infamy. But the Comet is not merely the deadly destroyer of whatever it may come in contact with ; but the fire which can furnish heat likewise is productive of light; and as comets carry their aid to the sun, so does the one in question convey its supplies of bril- liance to the great sun of enlightenment. That which carries ex- termination to the corropt Lords, brings enlightenment to the people, and every advance of the great Comet of Reform makes society see the clearer by the blaze it makes in destroying its ene- mies. If it dries up, on the one hand, the damps which arise from the loathsome swamps of Tory infamy, it, on the other hand, throws a cheering light and a genial warmth upon the opening prospects of liberality. But Seymour has given such a very scorching illustration of the effects of this Comet upon the filthy frogs of the House of Lords, that it is something like sacrilege in us to attempt to convey, in " language weak," any adequate idea of its most extraordinary consequences. To explain Seymour's speaking sketches is, in the language of Shakspeare, " To gild refined gold/ or to attempt to tell a lie that should beat one of George Robins' advertisements. W. Strange, 21, Paternoster Row. 144 FIGARO IN LONDON. 179 INTERPRETER. The Magistrate Felon. One of the distinguishing points of this publication during the period of nearly four years that it has been established, has been to unveil those masked hypocrites, the magistrates, and tearing down boldly the thin veil of authority from before them, to expose them to all the world in their naked and native deformity. A case has recently occurred which justifies our general abuse of this gang, who do nothing more than pocket the public money, and insult or oppress all those who are brought before them charged with the heinous crime of poveity. Our aim has always been to prove that these fellows, as a body, are all hard- hearted plundering vagabonds, and had our denunciations of them had the due effect, we should net have had to comment on the fact that a magistrate, named Hudson, having been entrusted with large sums, as treasurer of the Bridewell Hospital, has made off with £ 12,000 of the money belonging to that institution. We should like to know how many poor houseless creatures this vagabond has mercilessly committed to jail for being guilty of the sin of destitution, and how many moral lectures the wholesale thief has read to poor devils charged with stealing a penny lokf to save themselves from actual starvation, or from some other dire necessity. Yet this fellow, till he was found out a few days ago, was always the morthy magistrate ; and there are doubtless many monsters now on the bench, legislating against poor apple- women, or houseless wanderers,— magistrates, we say, are doubtless even now on the bench, who if they only happened to be found out as this Hudson has been, would prove to be just as great rogues, as by their barbarity they prove themselves at present to be heartless wretches, whose only aim seems to be how much cruelty they can be guilty of in the shortest time, in order to earn their salaries, with as little care as possible. An Entertaining Couple. His Excellency, the Lord Lieutenant, arrives in Galway next Monday, Mr. St. John of Tyrone, and Sir John Burke are to entertain his Excellency.— Dublin Posf. We don't know who these people may be, Mr. St. John of Tyrone, and Sir John Burke, but we presume that they must be rather a wag- gish couple, as they have been selected to entertain the Lord Lieutenant of Ireland. Had it been Messrs. Liston and John Reeve, we should have understood the appointment, but when two fellows are selected from private life to entertain his Excellency, we can only presume that there are very few professors, just now, of the art of buffoonery. Had they been in want of such persons, we should have thought that Sir Charles Wetherell and Lord Londonderry would have been extremely happy to have undertaken the parts, and if a character for folly had been requisite, we are pretty sure they could have had the strongest recom- mendation from their last places, the Houses of Lords and Commons.— They are no longer wanted in the last named places, and therefore we should imagine they must be quite open to any engagement that could be offered them in Ireland. THE COMET AND THE COMMON COUNCIL. It having been resolved at a meeting of the Common Council that the City should not be backward in appointing scientific men on its behalf to watch the progress of Halley's comet, arrangements have been made with Mr. Fubbesly, chief usher of Bow Charity School, whose report is as follows:— " On Thursday night last, I began looking up into the Heavens, but not being able to see much I got upon a chair, and I was then able thoroughly to distinguish a large ball of fire, which I had hoped was either Ursa Major, or an; Aurora Borealis, or thejire- tvorks at Vauxhall, or the Gemini, or some other equally heavenly body. In order not to lose the benefit of this observation, I knocked up all the boys and made them get out all their slates and write down all at once the fact of my having seen this singular body of fire— upon which I put on my spec- tacles, and it became evident that it was neither Ursa Major, nor the Aurora Borealis, nor the^ re works at Vauxhall, nor the Gemini, but the illuminated clock of St- Bride's Church !! Not at all daunted by this partial failure, I went out on to the top of the house, and having care- fully put away my spectacles, I tried the effect of an opera glass, by which means I could clearly distinguish that which, from its position, must have been the Moon— but I am not quite certain, though still I think it must have been, for it lay right out in the direction of Half Moon Street, Piccadilly, ' so called,' according to Mr. Dibbs's work on the Astronomy of London, ' because ye moone generaliie dothe sytte ryghte over ye streete so called.' I shall continue my researches every night, and in order to be nearer to the sky, I shall in future adopt the excellent expedient of standing upon stilts during my astronomical observations, for I am quite certain that the higher a man can raise himself, the nearer he is to the sky, and the more likely will he be to ascertain what is passing in the firmament." > The above report was read in the Common Council on Saturday last, and the scientific observations it contains had the effect of thoroughly bothering that enlightened body. FOREIGN INTELLIGENCE. We have received the Borough papers down to the 27th of this month, but they say nothing about any thing. The City stocks still keep up, but not near so well as the West end cravats. Intelligence bas reached us of the arrival of Lord Venables at Gravesend, and the packet which brought these advices had fallen in, off Rotherhithe, with a punt, having on board a man and two women. The letters from Greenwich tell us that the Hospital still stands where it did, and up to the hour of our express leaving, nothing had transpired to give the slightest reason for supposing it would ever be otherwise. Oysters are quoted at fourpence a dozen, and ginger beer is getting up rapidly. There has been very little doing in the tom- trot market, but just as our express was starting, a man was seen advancing with a sup- ply, which promised to give an impetus to this branch of the commercial interest. There have been several failures of some of the principal apple- stalls in the Strand, and we understand that some of the leading charity boys will be extensive sufferers. CITY COURT CIRCULAR. Mansion House, Aug. 24. His Majesty, King Winchester, drove out yesterday in his tilbury. This morning the beadles were assembled for review, but, as a shower came on, they were ordered to retire. The dinner- party at the Mansion House yesterday included only Alderman Scales. Mrs. Alderman Scales was the only person who attended the party in the evening. Fashionable Arrivals. Alderman Harmt r, at the Dispatch Office, Fleet- street, from a tour in Fulham. Mr. Scales, jun., at home, from school. Alderman Wood and family, at their town- house, from the Isle of Dogs, where they had been sojourning. Fashionable Departures. Mr. Alderman Wilson has left the City, with the intention of visiting Turnham Green. He takes water at Westminster Bridge, and a cab is to be in waiting for him at Chelsea Reach, by which he goes overland to Turnham Green ; where he will visit the large manufactories, and afterwards fumble about the neighbourhood. Young Waithman is about to enter upon a commercial tour, in order to ascertain how far it will be practicable to lay out his pocket- money, and likewise to give information to the Common Council upon this important subject. A ROYAL MISTAKE. His Majesty sometimes reads over the Court Circular, and when he does condescend to this occupation, he often ha< to complain of the in- correctness with which his movements are chronicled. The other day he had been perusing a long paragraph relative to his proceedings at Windsor within the past week, and came to the following, which was the concluding sentence of the article alluded to :—'• The stay of the Court in town is expected to be prolonged till the 3rd of October, after which their Majesties will go to the Pavilion." Ttie King having perused this, flew into a violent rage, and thus ejaculated, I go to the Pavilion, in FIGARO IN LONDON. 179 deed! Curse me if I do. I wouldn't be seen even at Astleys, which is a cut above the Pavilton, auy how. The Queen may go to Richard- son's, if she likes, or to the Devil if she likes, because she will go where she pleases, but 110 going to the Pavilion for me, I'll warrant her." IMPRISONMENT FOR DEET. After all the clap- trap and humbug that has been made about the Bill on this subject, which was to have made some sort of distinction between misfortune and dishonesty— after all the talk there has been about it, the Bill has been thrown out by the Lords, who, seeing in it a glimpse of some- thing like justice, very naturally, in conformance with their usual custom, had the pleasure of defeating it. Now we have nothing to say against the poor besotted old women in the Upper House, for it is one of their most cherished vested rights to play the fool, and they generally contrive to do so in a manner quite worthy of the reputation they enjoy for it. But it is against the pretended friends of this measure that our indignation is particularly directed. That driveller, Campbell, whose name would never have been heard of beyond the musty precincts of the Courts, but for his affected zeal for this measure; it is he who has, by his apathy, sacrificed it, and he deserves all the contempt and opprobrium that can possibly be heaped upon him. Then, too, the press, among whom the measnre had some pretended friends, has shamefully abandoned it. We must, however, distinguish with our most especial indignation that sleepy old slabberer of milk- and- water, the Herald, which, the morning after the measure is lost, sends forth a puling lament upon the subject, as if the Editor were labouring under the debilitating effects of half a glass of very weak Vauxhall punch, with about as much spirit in his writing as might be extracted from a tea- spoonful of diluted rum, and about as much sharp- ness as could be found in the smallest piece of lemon- peel, after it had been saturated for a week with ditch- water. The poor biowsy Herald wants a very considerable degree of exposure. The wretched old driveller is constantly prating about humanity and impar- tiality, whereas it is well known that the worthless sinner only talks be- nevolence for the sake of being thought humane, and as for its impartial- ity, we happen to know that it is, like the impartiality of the Irish judge, all on one side. We have no doubt the whole concern in Shoe Lane will tremble even down to the Clerk's desk, at this thunderbolt of exposure, which we have the great satisfaction of launching at it, in fact it is very doubtful whether the proprietors will ( after this article) venture to carry 0n their newspaper. BREVITIES. the bills that are brought before them, which are declared to be read a first, second, and third time, without any one looking at them. A Jest in Ernest. The Orangeites deserve all to be hanged first, and, Orange like, to be quartered afterwards. The Queen and the Lunatics. We perceive that her Majesty has established a lunatic fund. This evinces the purest benevolence of spirit towards her Tory friends, seve- ral of whom are already quite entitled to an allowance. * Rather Flat. We find from the newspapers, that Wanstead Flats have been on fire. When we consider the warmth of the debates lately among the noodles in the House of Lords, we should say, the flats of Wanstead are not the only flats that have a tendency to be fiery. A Spark from the Royal Anvil. His Majesty read in the paper the other day, that the General Steam Navigation's Mail Packet, the Britannia, had arrived from Rotterdam. " Crikey," said the King to himself, " how the Devil can the Britannia be a male packet, for Britannia must be v. female any how." Passing Judgment. It is a great pity that there is no Lord Chancellor at present, for when the office is filled, that functionary attends in the House of Lords to give judgment. There is no place in existence, which is so much in want of that article as the House of Lords is at present. Good Evans! It is insinuated that money, rather than patriotism, is the reason of many Englishmen joining the expedition under Col. Evans. If this be the fact, it is not a regard for Spain that is the inducement, but only the love of the Spanish. Reading made Easy. It would be very desirable if the long tedious speeches of Members of Parliament could be read in the same manner as they themselves read THEATRICALS Covent Garden Theatre, it is now said, is to be in commission, but we think a commission of lunacy is about the best it can be put into. There was some talk of Hartley's having a share in it with C. Kemble ; in which case ' Hamlet' would have been run through the season, in which, as Mrs. Butler says, " myfather'" would have " played Hamlet beautifully," and Bartley would have figured every evening as the Grave- digger, with his usual talent— that is to say, with his sixteen waistcoats. The public is, however, spared this infliction, for as Bartley is not accepted as a lessee of Covent Garden, and as Bunn has very properly put him out of Drury Lane, it is to be hoped the public will be spared, for next season at least, the tax of his performances. There is a report now current in theatrical circles that the prices of Covent Garden are to be reduced to four shillings, two, and one, while the upper gallery will be thrown open to the discerning public at sixpence. This measure has been, it is said, spoken of in consequence of its having been reported that Bartley is going to play there ; and it is thought that when the quality of the amusement is to be so greatly reduced, there should be a corresponding reduction in the prices. We do not quite like the idea of a nationai theatre going so thoroughly to the dogs as Covent Garden must, in a few seasons, after the low prices are adopted, though we are among the first to acknowledge that where Bartley is playing prin- cipal business, it is quite impossible to entertain the idea of people paying high prices to visit the theatre. In order, therefore, to save the place from destruction, we should advise that if Bartley must be engaged, the ex- periment should be tried of keeping up the prices on ordinary nights, lower- ing them only on those evenings when Bartley plays; thus adapting the reduced prices, as far as possible, to the very reduced quality of the per- formances. Our objection to Bartley is, that he is a bad actor, an intriguing stage- manager, and an overbearing tyrant to all who are unfortunate enough to be placed where he is allowed one shadow of authority. If Covent Garden reduces its prices Bunn will reduce his ; but it is a measure we shall oppose, for the sake of the profession ; because, in spite of the virulence of the poor devils of underlings against us, we wish them well, and shall set our faces against a system that will be made a pretext for cutting down their salaries. Though we cannot but speak in terms of good- humoured disgust for their gin- drinking and pipe- smoking propensi- ties, we would not have the poor creatures robbed of one go of the one or a single whiff of the other. But men are often ungrateful to their best benefactors, and those who are only remarkable for their ignorance and effrontery cannot be supposed to know what is really for their benefit. A new piece at the English Opera, called ' The Old Oak Tree,' has been, we hear, very successful. As we never go upon hearsay criticism, we intend witnessing this piece before we send forth our edict of either approval or condemnation. We are fully aware of the importance of our judgment, and we never give it lightly, though the pretenders to authorship and acting are apt to complain we give itrathertoo heavily. The company at the English Opera has realised enough to pay five- sixths of the salaries, which is better than the promise of half from the management. At the Queen's Theatre ' Catching an Heiress' is being played, and we are happy to say that the rubbish formerly appended to it, under the title of ' The Diary of an Exquisite,' has been struck with merited contempt out of the bills of the Theatre. The trash in question was heralded as the production of one ' Collier,' a name long known as connected with all the penny- a- line literature of the metropolis. We most earnestly warn all proprietors of little theatres against being taken in by the under- lings of newspaper offices, who impose upon those who are inexperienced in management, by promising the influence of the journals they are em- ployed upon in favour of those establishments, the conductors of which will bring forward the trash that is thus palmed upon them. The fellows would be discharged without an hour's notice if they were found out by their employers : and we therefore warn them to take care what they are about, or we shall give such exposures as will put the paltry pittance they may gain in jeopardy. The Queen's Theatre is constantly puffed most extravagantly in the ' Court Journal'— not that we hold the proprietors | accountable for any such proceeding. A respectable paper cannot be held 146 FIGARO IN LONDON. altogether responsible for the acts of its servants, anymore than Shillibeer can be answerable for the conduct of the cads to his omnibus. But as Shillibeer does look after his cads, so do we advise Mr. Colbum to look after his penny- a- liners and paragraphing menials, especially when such menials go about pretending to be able to dispose of the influence of his journal. The Queen's Theatre, by the aid of paid paragraphs and penny- a- line bribers, has been well spoken of by the newspapers. The company, including Reeve, Mitchell, and Mrs. Nisbett, cannot be said to be without talent; but surely such a wretched set of abortions as nearly all the rest of the corps could not very easily have been collected. They comprise the scrapings, as it were, of the smaller houses ; among whom the name of Wyman is about the most eminent. This gentleman ( actors are by eourtesy, as Brougham said of Cumberland, all gentlemen) is remarkable for doing what is called little business at very little theatres, aud if the quantity of intellect he possesses ought to be proportioned to his business, we can cer- tainly say that both business and intellect being most accommodatingly insignificant, no one can say he is not worth the few dirty shillings per week that his hungry hands may carry off every Saturday from the trea- sury. But these small- minded and little- business gentry can add no respectability to a company ; though, as in all professions, there must be some nonentities, so in the theatrical profession there must be some Wymans. However, we have wasted more space than it deserves upon the Queen's Theatre, which is, after all, merely a sort of rendezvous for would- be farce- writers. The management— permitting itself, by its im- becility, to accept all sorts of filth in the way of pieces, is continually underlining titles of fooleries, which, when the actors get their parts, they find so bad that they refuse to play in. A thing, called ' A Fair Retort,' has in this way figured once or twice in the bills, but has of course never been brought forward. It is, we believe, the abortion of a silly lad, who dauces attendance in the porters'- lodges of the various minor theatres, in the vain hope of getting some attention to his rubbish. We have gone rather lengthily into some of these affairs, to show the parties we are alive to their idiotic proceedings ; and to let them know that, how ever con- temptible an animal may be, the razor of FIGARO, which is " here, there, and every where,"' will occasionally give a gash, en passant, even to the most despicable of those animalculae, that flirt, by means of their emptiness, about the dirt aud loathsome surface of theatricals. Much has been said of the severity of this publication, but it has done more good than any other for the drama, It has boldly distinguished the respectable profes- sors of the histrionic art from the pretenders, and has unmercifully lashed the vermin that infest the stage ; the result of which is, that while FIGARO is perused with eagerness, and applauded to the echo by the enlightened part of the community, it is run down and venomously hoblered over, in low tap rooms, by the tobacco- pipe and pot- of- porter portion of the pro- fession. As the aim of the work is to exterminate these vermin, their vituperation is a high compliment to the success of our designs ; and no- thing is so gratifying to us as to know that FIGARO is thoroughly hated by gin- quaffing actors, disappointed would- be authors, aud penny- a- line pa- ragraphing pot- house dramatists, who abuse us, we dare say, in all the gin- palaccs where they can get credit for a single go, and in all the dirty little minor green- rooms of the metropolis. Mr. Morris has advertised a new comedy, in five acts, for Saturday next, under the title of ' Hints for Husbands.' Her Majesty has expressed her private determination that the King shall go and see it, for she declares that some such hints are absolutely necessary. The comedy is by Mr. Beazley, and is somewhat of a great undertaking, for in these days of illegitimacy the public is not inclined to look with particular favour on any attempt of this kind. 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