FIGARO IN LONDON Satire should like a polish'd razor keen, Wound with a touch that's scarcely felt or seen.— LADY MONTAGUE. " Political Pasquinades and Political Caricatures are parts ( though humble ones,) of Political History. They supply information as to the person and habits, often as to the motives and objects of public men, which cannot be found elsewhere."— CROKER'S NEW WHIG GUIDE. No. 176. SATURDAY, APRIL 18, 1835. [ Price One Penny. THE WILY OPOSSUM AND THE RADICAL RACOON. Opossum up a gum tree, Up he go ! up he go! Racoon in a hollow, Down a low, down a low, Catch him by him long tail, & c. & c. & c. What Mathews alone could sing, Seymour alone could illustrate. Thrice happv Seymour, who from the bitter cup of his country's Vol. IV.' woe, can extract pleasant thoughts, to console and amuse the weep- ing patriot. High up and safely posted on the first bough, a strong and sure foundation for his future steps— The Irish Church, our political Opossum is mounting up to the grand object of his affections — the Treasury Bough, from which appear pending the sweet fruits of office ; but see the sly Racoon, cunning varmint! taking advan- tage of O- possum's tail is hauling himself' hand over hand,' up the tree, and if the Opossum is not very cunning, jwill be on the Treasury bough before him. In this Seymour felicitously points out the present situation of the two parties now struggling for office. The Whigs will get the plunder, and throw down the ladder which has raised them. Now will all their patriotic promises evaporate into empty nothings. It will not be convenient or dis- creet, ' at the present juncture,' and such other excuses as readily offer themselves to the Whig in office. Truly was it said by a satiric statesman, that a Whig in office was a Tory. Plunder, plunder, is the grand cry of these gentry; and the strict fast from the good things, which they have been compelled to suffer, will but make them more ravenously eager to gorge themselves with a second feast. A NBWSPAPER DIALOGUE. DRAMATIS PERSON ® . The Times— A short, middle- aged, red- faced gent. The Herald— An old gent, with powder, pig- tail, and peculiar gaiters. The Morning Chronicle— A tall, thin, sharp- looking, sour- visaged, lanky, spare- legged personage in black coat, tights, and grey worsted stockings. Scene— Short's Tavern— Time, Half- past Eleven. P r i n t e d by G . Cowie, 13, N e w c a s t l e - s t r e e t , S t r a n d. 108 FIGARO IN LONDON. Herald— Oh, lawk! I can't make a speech ! what can I say ? Times— Any thing, except about Criminal Punishment— a sub- ject in which nobody is interested, but those who are about to wake too early on a winter's morning, and find themselves outside the Old Bailey in a fog, and on a gallows. Herald— Oh, you cruel, you sanguinary wretch ! How can you laugh ? It is what we must all come to— I mean, death. Chronicle— Did you ever read my friend Mac- Nish's' Philosophy of Death V Times— Get out, you proser ; here's his health ! He wrote ' The Philosophy of Drunkenness,' and proved his own wisdom and true philosophy. But touching the business about which we met— in the name of consistency, what is to be done ? Let each of us take a side, and stick to it. Chronicle ( whistles)— Come, none of your blarney and bothera- tion, my friend—' faith you may well talk of sticking to one side, when you have lost fifty thousand pounds by changing over to it. Times— Fifty thousand pounds! how do you prove it, you ranti- poling, you bleth'rum- skait, old cow. driver, how do you make that out? Chronicle— Will you have it in figures ? Times— Not in figures of speech. Chronicle— Loss in advertisements— decline of three thousand in daily sale, and loss of three thousand per diem, which you would have gained had you been ' in Opposition,' equal to six thousand loss per diem. Is not that pretty close to the mark ? Times— Well, I own it was an untoward event. But if your Black had been asked to dinner by the Duke, as my Barnes was, would not he have felt the compliment, and written accordingly ? The Tories cajoled us. Herald— I think a newspaper, as the representative of public opinion, ought to be of neither party, and, as I said in my article the other day—" different people will think differently." For my- self, I leave political matters and Ministries to shift for themselves. I advocate the glorious cause of over- driven oxen, and cruellv- used jack- asses— Times— A fellow- feeling. Herald— Of ornamental slaughter- houses and dilettanti drovers. Oh ! if you could but think how I am worried by those atrocious Omnibuses, and ferocious cab- drivers— drive— drive— drive— over old ladies every afternoon— and cursing, and swearing, and insult- ing the passengers, and calling City! City! in that tumultuous manner. It is time, my compatriots, that every man who values his own, his aunt's, or his old mother's life, should band together and petition the legislature for the suppression of all vehicles, and the confiscation of all horses that can or will go at the rate of more than four miles an hour. Chronicle—( To the Times.)— Poor old lady, how she feels it. Herald— Then there are the watermen's wherries, and the san- guinary steam boats, that paddle up the river, scalding the fish and turning over all the boats, oh my!—( weeps.) Chronicle— What a thing it is to be mad upon any one subject. For me— my glorious object is achieved. The poor are now managed on the Scotch system. Times— You be d d. The Scotch poor could sneak into England, scratching their backs against the mile stones erected for their accommodation. But where are the English poor to go ? Chronicle— Sir, you insult my country— you are an abusive scoundrel! Times— You are a squirt! Herald— Oh gentlemen, good gentlemen, don't quarrel.— It is not decent. Oh, dear! Oh ! oh ! oh !—( faints.) The Times and Chronicle fall upon each other; the Standard, Globe> Courier, Advertiser, and other persons rise from their tables and join in the fray. The Waiters are knocked down; the Police are called in and a glorious confusion ensues. IMPRISONMENT FOR DEBT. To our great pleasure we have received the following letter from Mr. Wire, to whom allusion was made in our last. We suspected some mistake in the matter. Dear Figaro, I do not wonder at the mistake you have fallen into when you represent me as an enemy to the abolition of imprisonment for debt. I am not so. I am friendly to the abolition, and so I have been ever since I possessed or had a knowledge of its demoralizing effects. I strongly objected to Sir John Campbell's Bill, because it did not carry out the principle so as to afford security to the creditor, and at the same time pro- tect the honest debtor. You will find my opinion on this subject quoted as a motto to a letter, published by Wright, to demonstrate the evils of imprisonment. Do me the favor, therefore, to mention this in any way you think proper. I am not chivalrous enough to defend " the lawyers" as a body— but beg leave to say for myself, I am not one of those " who mainly depend, like the doctors, upon the suffering and misery of their fellow creatures." I have the honor to be 9 St. Swithins Lane. Your Obedient Servant, April 14,1836. DAVID WIRE. We have had some accquaintance with Mr. Wire, and have always found him the consistent advocate of civil and religious liberty, sincere as a man, and to a honest for a lawyer. And we can only express our regret that our friend Wire should be an attorney. BILLY AND BOBBY. Billy. Do not leave me, Bobby! What shall I do without you ? Oh, Bobby, they will stop my salary, and put all my cats upon half Pay- Bobby. 1 cannot stop with you— that palavering club, that house of call for Rats and Radicals will hear me no more. It is ' a donkey vot vont go' any farther. Oh, my august Billv, I must leave you. Billy. Oh, dear! oh, dear! I am a poor old gentleman. Why should I be obliged to send away my old favourite ? What are the people to me ? I will keep you with me. Bobby. They say you must take in Irish Dan, as your butler. Billy. The vagabond ! Why he was only a beggar the other day. What do you say I ought to do, Bobby ? Bobby. Let him alone— do nothing— leave them to themselves and they must let me come back again. Billy. I will, I will! Oh, Bobby! you nice genteel young man— to give you up for these vulgar scoundrels ! Oh, Bobby! Exit, with a sigh, to receive his new servants. SUNDAY SAINTS. The sneaking, sleek, powder- headed, sly old sinners, who think to hide their own iniquity in the weak disguise of a perpetual in- terference with the sanctification of others, have swindled another Sabbath Bill into the House of Commons, and obtained a large ma- jority for a second reading. A prosy, Poulter- headed fool is the main mover of this pious handle of the legislative pump, whence are to flow in never- failing streams upon this happy country, the blessings of perpetual preachings and stupid Sundays. The abomi- nation of roast joints and baked potatoes ' stink in the nostrils' of these Saints, and under each boiling pot glows the living fire of everlasting damnation to the poor sinner, who hungers fo any thing but the nasal admonitions of the chapel- spouting enthu- siast. There is one part of the world, where these sort of gentry have it all their own way,— we allude to Owhyee— and a recent fo- reign voyager thus describes the happy and comfortable statp of the people:— FIGARO IN ' On the following morning we started to continue our excursion, but a heavy rain set in, which drenched us so thoroughly that we were obliged to return to our dwelling. We expressed a wish to have a warm breakfast, for the temperature ( 16,8° R.) was very chilly; but we were not a little surprised when the people told us, that this being Sunday, the use of all hot food was tabooed, a re- gulation on which the missionaries strenuously insisted. This was the most ludicrous thing that could have happened to us in this ro- mantic spot of nature. I immediately took some wood, lighted a fire, and made coffee. As soon as the Indians saw the fire blazing they set up a loud shout, fetched more wood and forgot all about the taboo ; they even kept blaming the missionaries, especially be- cause they should get nothing for their dinner that day but dry tarro, which they did not like as well as the poe. The observance of Sunday, as established by the missior. aries, is very rigid ; till sunset every sort of amusement is prohibited, and the people are compelled to repair twice a day to church; even a walk or a ride is interdicted; and this prohibition has lately been enforced with the utmost rigour against strangers; their horses have been taken away from them, and they have been condemned to a fine of 100 pias- tres. Our friend, Captain Wendt, intended to have ridden up to- day to accompany us in our excursion; but, on repairing to the governor, and asking permission to ride up to join us, which as a stranger he might very easily have granted him, this request was refused. The use of warm food, and, in fact, even the lighting of a fire is entirely prohibited on a Sunday; and this law affects es- pecially the poor^ Jndian, who has but a small choice of food; the rich can do better with cold meats, as these are in that case pre- pared with the greater delicacy.' And to such a ludicrous state will England shortly be reduced by these Sabbath Bills. DEATH. After a protracted illness of five months, the two last of which period of agonized suffering, THE TORT ADMINISTRATION. The old lady has requested that the following epitaph be placed on her tombstone :— Divisions sore, Long time I bore, Long speeches were in vain; Till Russell did please, To give me ease, And rid me of my pain. On the 12th ultimo the reputation of Sir Robert Peel. THEATRICALS. This Passion week has proved a true week of suffering to that particular class of silly foplings and foolish old men, who have a passion for lolling against side scenes, and doing the agreeable to actresses and ballet girls. We cannot account for this propensity. It is like sitting beside a poet and watching him bite his nails, mending his pen, and scratching his head ere he pour forth that flood of song which delights and astounds us— To him that looks behind the scene. Statira's but some frowsy quean. Why then should we seek to destroy all the illusion of fine acting, all the charm with which fancy and imagination invest the scene, bv seeking to participate in the petty factions, tile vanity, the indecorous trifling, the indecency ? But there are a set of old LONDON. 179 beaux who, with whiskered wigs and gold headed canes, dangle about theatres, smirking at the young actresses— Still hovering round the fair, at sixty- four, Unfit to love, unable to give o'er, Brisk where he cannot, backward where he can, The teazing ghost of the departed man, A flesh- fly that just flutters on the wing, Awake to buz, but not alive to sting. These poor imbecile creatures, deprived of their usual lounge, have been wandering up and down thestreets. demented, in the fine clear sunshine. Surely his majesty should take pity on them and give them. seats in the cabinet. Rayner, with tllat peculiar impudence by which apparently he subsists, contrived to keep the Surrey theatre open on Monday night in spite of the Magistrates. All the actors of smaller and lesser notoriety performed for his benefit gratuitously, and a bumper house filled him with flowing cash. Who is Rayner, and what are his pretensions? As an actor, he is vulgar, boisterous and vulgar— nor is his connection with the Strand theatre, or his conduct through the affairs of that unwholesome speculation entirely strait forward— yet about twice in the year he tricks up a benefit, and by encroaching upon a number of popular actors to appear for him gratuitously, he lives easily through the year, drinking and smoking with guards and coachmen, and pocketing about £ 500 per annum for doing nothing. Again we ask, who is Rayner, and what are his claims to public patronage ? There is an evident importance in his announcement of performances— a low disagreeable ' gagging' in altering the titles of well- known pieces, so as to deceive the deluded public with a specious appearance of novelty. Fitzball is in an ecstacy of delight— he fancies himself a second Shakspeare— both the large houses are to be supported bv his talents, this Easter; and scenes of horror hitherto unparalleled are to be enacted nightly, for the benefit of the holiday folks. We are credibly informed that in the Note- Fovger, Jack Keteh himself is engaged to act a principal part, and that Mr. Charles Phillips, of the Theatre Royal, Old Bailey, has kindly consented to assume his original character for one evening only. The Victoria Theatre rejoices iu the administration of H. Wal- lack, and the judicious management of Mitchell. This actor has made large strides recently in public favour, and he seems to be making great exertions to secure himself in the enjoyment of those advantages to which his long experience in the profession, and his manly, consistent, and honourable conduct, under certain circum- stances of a most trying nature, during Mr. Glossop's management, render him most justly entitled. The New English Opera season opens with three new pieces; the first, Sadak and Kalasrade, is an opera by an English composer. The story of Sadak and Kalasrade is interesting, and will give scope for some fine scenic effects! The second novelty ' My Fellow Clerk,' will, it is said, be very humorous and effective— but de- pending entirely upon Wrench, who performs the principal part. This is of a piece with all modern productions— one idea, one cha- racter— no harmonious assemblage, and contrast of characters and humours— but all one thing, and one person. Buckstone and the Adelphi Company emigrate to the Surrey, the legal absurdity of their license compelling them to cease acting at their own theatre in the most profitable part of the season. What difference there can be in the effect of the same performance at the Surrey and the Adelphi, it is not in our power to discover; nor do we see the justice, or the advantage of this measurement of morality by miles. Yates, we regret to say, is seriously ill, and it is said will be compelled to give up all hope of again appearing on the stage. We regret this so much the more, because he is to be succeeded in his parts by Mr. James Vining, an actor totally inef- ficient to the purpose— whose foppish affectation never deviates 66 FIGARO IN LONDON: into humour, and whose want of genius is made up by a vast fund of pretension. The City Theatre, under the administration of Hughes, bids fair for success. He has collected around him a company of useful, yet unpretending actors, who are remarkably efficient, to the amuse- ment of the audience— that great wonder at this theatre, a crowded house, has been the result. Miss Byron is a clever girl, and from the stile in which she sang,' If a secret you'd keep,' bids fair with proper attention to take a high rank in that peculiar branch of the profession, of which Madame Vestris is at present the acknowledged leader. On the Queen's Theatre, unless some improvement take place after the holidays, we shall have to make some severe, remarks.— Young Morton's clever farce, " My First Fit of the Gout" must give his father a twinge of his old complaint of comedy- writing. The opera season will be splendid. The acting, setting aside the singing of Grisi, Tamburini, and Lablache, is superb. Taglioni will be here next week, and Laporte will, once more, lucky dog, triumph o'er his difficulties— Laporte is an eminent instance, not of the effect of good fortune, but of the ultimate success of a perse- vering struggle against embarrassments. Other men would have yielded long before— he goes on to the end, and finally conquers. All theatrical speculations appear to be thriving at present. We hear no complaints. The truth is, that they are managed by men of business, and not by needy and dashing speculators. We blame 110 man for speculating in a theatre— our proposition is simply this, If the actor is to share in the risk— tell him so— and let him toil, as he will do willingly, for the common profit. Burford's new panorama of ' Jerusalem,' is an object of great attraction, and is equal to any former work of that clever artist. The effect of the sudden change from the bustle and glare, the noise of Leicester Square, to the holy calm, the dome- roofed houses, and sacred ruins of the Holy City, excites a strong contrast, almost approaching to religious awe, on the first entrance. The Missionary and Bible Societies muster strong on the occasion. We have received a sprightly French Publication,' LA PANDORE,' something in the style of FIGARO IN LONDON, and have felt much pleasure in its perusal. NOTICE. Many persons have expressed a great anxiety to support this work by Advertisements, & c. an offer which we have hitherto declined— from a disinclination to rob our subscribers of any portion of their fair quantity of amusement. The recent success of FIGARO IN LONDON, and the rapid augmentation of our sale enables us to promise our readers in a short time, ANOTHER DOUBLE NUMBER, without any increase in the price. On this occasion— we shall be enabled to insert miscellaneous Advertisements at the following rate : Five lines ... Five Shillings: Every succeeding line - - Sixpence. All persons wishing to have their Advertisements inserted, must send them as soon as possible to our publisher— as the number will be limited. Veri- tat, who writes to us about the Holywell Street Gang of infamous Jews, is informed that the very- taste of our article has been sufficient for them ; all the shops in that street having been closed during the past week. At the same time we cannot agree with our friend Veri- tas, as to his rapping a Jew's knuckles with a stick, and then refusing to fight him. By provoking a man to strike you, you place yourself ipso facto, on a level with him, and should be prepared to take the consequences— any excuse is cowardly. Certain persons who may, or who may not, have had former connections with FIGARO IN LONDON, have been sending applications to certain Whig and Tory Lords, offering their assistance by writing, & c. to further the views of either party. It is needless to say that such communications, if purporting to come from us, are impudent fabrications. Wiggins may go to Gravesend, or to the as may suit his fancy; but why should he trouble us with his " Sonnets to Laura." Leontius, ( silly dog,) troubles us with his criticisms on Theatricals. Leontius, and the rest of the young gentlemen who have learnt to read, but not to think, should take it into their consideration, that it is requisite to do more than merely see a play, or an actor, before the written opinion of the auditor, or spectator, can be considered a criticism. Knowledge, thepower of comparison, an absence of prejudice, a cultivated taste, and a solid foundation of judge- ment, are the grand desiderata of Theatrical criticism at present. Not the smile- bought and ticket- hunting, flimsy, flash- in- the- pan, twaddle of the Sunday Times; or the gossiping and bewildered, Garrick, after- dinner, scrapings of the Observer ; or the half- thrashed humbug of Westmacott, in the Age; can give the reader a true notion of Theatrical matters: In politics it is usual to hint at ' Backstairs Influence,' but in Stage affairs, who can allude to the ' asides ' of' behind the scenes V FIGARO alone is an im- partial critic. Blue- Fire has no right to complain of the Surrey Theatre. The blood and murder business has been particularly strong there of late. A ghost in every act, and a dagger in every scene, with an explosion and a song by Miss Somer- ville as afinale, ought to satisfy any reasonable lover of the horrors. Furens, who wishes us to insert a portion of Cobbett's Register, every week, is informed that it does not come within the province of our paper. Jacobus wishes us to insert all the Lady of the Lake, the copyright of which has just expired. If Jacobus will forward us a copy of that useful wprk the Encyclopedia Britannica, we will endeavour to find room for it in our funire numbers. Sunday Newspapers have no right to insert articles from FIGARO IN LONDON, without acknowledgement. A glaring instance has been brought under our notice— where our article on Imprisonment for Debt, has been copied as a Leader ! into a Sunday Journal of last week.— This is not fair. 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