FIGARO IN LO^ BOK. Satire should like a polish'd razor keen. Wound with a touch that's scarcely felt or seen.— LADY MONTAGUE. " Political Pasquinades and Political Caricatures are parts ( though humble ones,) of Political History. They supply information as to the person and often a « to the motives and objects of public men, which cannot be found elsewhere."— CROKER'S NEW WHIG GUIDE. No. 166.: SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 7, 1835. [ Price One Penny. THE THREE TAILORS OF DOWNING STREET The glorious Seymour thus retaliates upon Sir Robert Peel, his meagre joke of the Three Tailors of Tooley Street. These are the Three Tailors of Downing Street, Sir Bob Peel, Nosey Arthur, and Snatchy Bull; who represent the united wisdom of the grand Confederated Conservative High- priced Master Tailors of the Vol.. IV. British Dominions. They have just finished dressing up their Dummy round which they are dancing in high glee at the expected patronage and success which they fancy this new suit will acquire for them. The firm have issued the following announcement:— ARTHUR, PEEL, AND SNATCHBULL, Regimental, and Clerical Tailors, Dealers in Cast Off Clothes, 8fc. & c. The Red- coat and Regimental department of the concern is con- ducted bv Mr. Arthur, whose long experience in that line will he trusts ensure him extensive patronage. The Country and Leather Breeches department is in the hands of Mr. Snatchbull, who will endeavour to accommodate his hard- bot- tommed friends with seats suitable to every convenience. To Farmers and Agriculturists, Mr. Snatchbull only refers to his long connection with the County of Kent. The Second- hand and Turn- coat department is intrusted to that clever stitch Bob Peel, who with an expeditious hand can turn any gentleman's coat, and give him good reasons for it at a moment's notice. A. and Co. can give references to most of the Nobility, Gentry, and Clergymen, who have been long their best customers. N. B. The firm intend issuing a further prospectus in a short time, containing a list of their measures and the prices charged. G. COWIE. Printer. 13, Newcastle Street, Strand 108 FIGARO IN LONDON. INTERPRETER. Rogues and Vagabonds " The magistrates, under the Police Act, have the power of committing as rogues and vagabonds, persons suspected of intending to commit any offence, who shall not be able to give a satisfactory account of himself or herself, and of his or her " way of living. For a second offence against the Police Act, the party is to be committed to the sessions— and may there be sentenced to be imprisoned and kept to hard labour for one year ; and further, if the court shall see fit ( the party not being a female,) to be whipped, at such time and in such place, as according to the nature of the offence, may be deemed expedient." We are happy to see this practice, which was a law among the Athenians of old, again in vogue. To what curious scenes will it give rise! Pensioned Lords and Ladies will be dragged up to the Police office to account for their manner of living. Half of the Members of Parliament will be committed to the Tread- mill, as rogues and vagabonds ; and at least two- thirds of the Court be sentenced to be privately whipped! The Duke of Wellington and Peel, as being suspected of intending to commit an offence, will be the first sufferers. Poor Twiss is already in limbo— and Lord Lon- donderry is about to transport himself to Russia, as quickly as possible. Modern Improvements. When Pope Pius the Sixth spent the money of the Papal State, in erecting fine columns and triumphal arches in Rome, while the people were starving— the Statue of Pasquin ( the Roman Figaro) bore, one morning, this satirical allusion to his folly :—" We asked him for bread, and he gave us a stone!"— So may the starving poor of this great metropolis, as they walk along by Charing Cross and see magnificent buildings towering around them, say of our Government, that— when asked for bread, they have indeed given us stone ! Our streets get better as our people get worse ; and we think more of the fine stones of our lordly dwellings, than the melancholy stories of a starving population ! The recent bragga- docio concerning the opening of the Regent's Park, and the im- provement of York Street, suggest the following :— John Bull. You keep the people in the dark. Ministry. Haven't we opened the Regent's Park ? John Bull. Your promises are all a cheat! Ministry. Yes, but we've paved a nice new street! Our Ministry are nothing- but a superior Road Committee— and, instead of mending our ways, should mend their own. Old Bailey Dinners. The hungry wretches who haunt the courts of law at the Old Bailey, were thrown into a state of despondency the other day, on the termination of the trials, by finding no dinner ready for them. It seems that Lord Winchester and the sheriff's disagreed about paying for this long established feed, and so no dinner was forth- coming. You would have thought the bank had broke, or the Lord Mayor was dead, or some other national calamity had hap- pened, so ghastly was the horror depicted in the countenance of each alderman. ' What, no dinner !' said Laurie. ' No dinner, groaned Farebrotlier. ' No dinner,' grunted Ainsley. ' No dinner,' gobbled Brown. ' No dinner,' squeaked Wilson. Starvation was in every look, they swallowed a luncheon of turtle and punch im- mediately, fear lending sharpness to the aldermanic appetite— nay, Lauiie was actually seen to give a half- penny to a poor beggar- woman, who said she was starving. A dinner was immediately ordered at the London Tavern, and a meeting called without loss of time ; and at it they went tooth and nail, until they caught Winchester in a shabby attempt to shuffle off paying his share, and nailed him to feedf/ iem attduringthe whole of the February sessions. The whole bar, and the whole bench, and the whole corporation ; likewise the Common Council, all of whom are entitled to attend, as well as the Governor of Newgate, in himself a host, unanimously resolved to give him a benefit by attending, as some punishment for his shabby tricks. This Old Bailey dinner, is the one alluded to by the satirist, in the well known line:— ' And wretches hang that jurymen may dine.' Prisons for Debt. The horrors and miseries of a Debtors' Prison in this country none but those who have experienced them can imagine. The numberless heart- aching degradations which the unhappy wretch, broken in fortune, but not in spirit, is compelled to bear with from the brutality and insolence of governors, deputy- governors, and turnkeys, are past belief, and almost past endurance. An instance has just been brought under our notice, which we are resolved to blazon forth, and brand with merited obloquy the blackguard vil- lains by whose direction, and under whose management these atro- cities are committed. We will state the case simply as it occurred, without exaggeration, and almost without comment. It happened, on the Muster's, or Debtors side of Horsemonger Lane Gaol. A respectable man, a builder, named Iletlierington, who was confined for debt in that dungeon, a few months ago, was occasionally visited by his daughter, a fine girl of about 19 years of age. One day he sent her out twice, on business of the greatest importance to himself— when some suspicion having arisen among the turnkeys, or, they pretending that they had some suspicion, that she might have gone out with the intention of bringing in some spirituous liquors— she was stopped on her return— the matron was sent for— she was ordered to strip off her clothes— they took every covering from her— nor were their pretended suspicions satisfied until the poor girl was as naked as she came from her mother's womb ! even her very stockings having been taken off, and the comb snatched from her hair ! This monstrous indecency— this gross indelicacy— was perpetrated on a daughter performing the pious office of visit- ing an afflicted and distressed parent, without any formal proceed- ing by information— but simply because the turnkeys chose to do it. Such is the working of our Imprisonment for Debt system !— Such are the tender mercies, the decency, the propriety, the cha- rity of Horsemonger Lane ! ON THE ROYAL COMMISSION TO REFORM THE CHURCH Figaro to John Bull Down with Reform, and down with Swing, Hurrah ! hurrah ! for Church and King. Great William shows us his intentions, To drop his civil list and pensions ; Old Wellington, resolved to charm ye, Is going to disband the army— And Peel, though it may seem absurd, ' Tis said, for once, will keep his word, Forget this time to turn his coat, And give to every man a vote. Rejoice, again I say, rejoice! The King declares, with potent voice, No more he'll leave you in the lurch— The Bishops will reform the Church '. John Bull's Answer. All this is very fine, if true, But, FIGARO, ' twixt me and you, Ail this, I would believe as well, As that the Devil would put out Hell— And wishing at once to drown and duck it, Call in each engine, hose, and bucket— Rake out each coal, each fire extinguish, His pranks and tricks, and sins relinquish— Repent of tempting Eve with th' apple, And preach a sermon in Zion Chapel ! FIGARO IN MR. ALEXANDER LEE AND FIGARO. We caught this fellow at one of his sneaking paltry tricks the other day. We happened, in our wish to patronise a meritorious publisher, to stroll into the shop of the sagacious Sparrow,— when we saw enter a shabby, short, wire- headed, snivelling, swell- mob man, who looked like an Attorney's fag, and who, from his askant look would be suspected of picking pockets, did not a rheumatic twinge of the shoulder palpably demonstrate the fear of a bailiff. The vagabond stepped up to the counter and purchased a FIGARO. Then with a mysterious look, he summoned the Cock- Sparrow of a publisher into his private nest— and informed him with a most important air, that it was his intention to prosecute FIGARO ; and then marched out full of pomposity, with all the mis- chievous intelligence of a Richmond, or any other state spy The noble Sparrow having adjusted his plumage, spread his tail, put his hat on, and followed the hero, thinking to get him duck- ed at the adjoining pump of St. Clement Danes, and fully impres- sed with the notion that he was at least a cabinet minister in disguise, when behold, little Levy, a Jew barker, who lives in Holywell- street, ( and of whom Lee in his wish to appear respectable had just purchased a seedy surtout, double polished,) recognised the musical swindler, and developed the mystery by acquainting Sparrow. Such are the shabby tricks which this Lee performs, as some return to Mrs. Waylett for supporting him. Such are the low offices he takes upon himself— a hunter up of prosecutions, an amateur informer, and a profitless spy. Mr. Lee enquired of Mr. Sparrow whether he could give him any information regarding the Editor of FIGARO IN LONDON. Perhaps Mr. Lee can tell us what has become of a man— by birth the son of a prize- fighter— and by avocation a kind of musical penny- a- liner— a paltry pilferer of piddling music, whose harmony is nothing but twiddle— who, finding no vend for his noises, took a mistress at second- hand, and uses her as a whistle for his petty trills— a man who lives upon a • woman's earnings— a flatterer of fools— to the weak a bully— to the bold a COWARD— and to the unsuspecting and unprotected A SPY ! Can Mr. Alexander Lee tell us of such a man ? We shall conclude this mention of a very dirty character— the very writing of which has soiled our fingers— with a little anecdote, relative to Mrs. Waylett's intended visit toEdinburgh : — " Ecli! but, mon, lias'na Mrs. Waylett forgathered wi bad company," said Hogg, to Fraser. " No, no, mon," replied the child of Regina," its all— A. LEE." BREVITIES. The Royal Shiloh. " What a God- send this young sprig of Royalty will prove to us," said Billv to Ernest.—" A Godsend ! do you call it?" replied the whiskered Duke.—" I think it's a Lords- semi!" Royal Feeling. The bastardy clause, in the New Poor Law Bill, is to be forth- with repealed — by order of Her Majesty! LONDON. 179 Fashionable Movement Lord Spencer has been sent for to the Pavilion, in consequence of his Lordship's celebrated knowledge of Breeding. My Gracious ! " What a Babe of Grace it will be!" said Dolly Fitz to Cato Fitz.—•" You're wrong, Dolly," was the reply ; " it's not a babe of his Grace, but— his Lordship's ! The Speaker- It is generally supposed that in the choice of a Speaker for the New House of Commons, the majority of Members will vote for Sir C. M. Sutton— not from party motives, but from dinner- party motives. A trying Moment. " Are the Ministers to have a trial ?" is now the question.— Of course they are— because they have committed themselves already. Set a thief to catch a thief The royal commission to reform the church manifestly, is a strong example of the various sins of omission and commission. THE ASS- KING. A FABLE. 1 own, with Swift, that now and then Beasts may degenerate into men ; And thinking thus, I mean to dish- ilp A fable, like a modern iEsop. ' Twas on a time, ( which Mr. Lyall Will tell you, if you'll make the trial, Of reading theories geological, To make you thorough philosophical,) When Lions held the highest station, And ruled with roars the forest nation ; I know not how it came to pass, A lioness brought forth an ass, And in due time, somehow or other, By death of first and second brother, To all beasts wonder and his own, This ass sat on the Lion's throne ! It so fell out in moment wise, Fresh ministers by luck he tries; Who being good, his secret kept, And while they reigned all satire slept. We know a ministry's the thing, As any block will do for king. Thus, four years did he wisely rule, The fifth he proved himself a fool. For worried by his wife from Germany, Who liked a row and hated harmony; To please his teasing, scolding mate, The Ass- King changed his plans of state, And in a manner not quite civil, Kicked his old ministers to the devil. And now to court the beasts all rush— They struggle, rustle, thrust and push; They bow and smirk, and make grimaces, Hungry for provender and places, At once the wolf with action sinister Pro tempore is made prime minister. But when the Jackall showed his face, Jackall and Wolf shared every place. First came a fashionable ape, With flowing wig, and pinclied- up shape, Ready to fawn, and lie and chatter ; And with abuse the wise bespatter, 36 FIGARO IN LONDON: Who wheedled every thing in life, And pleased all women— but his wife. This ape, this beast, without a soul, Takes to himself the Board of Control. A Kentish bull, with vigorous roar, Entering the Privy Council door, Bellows on Corn Laws, Tithes and Rents, And agricultural discontent; Incendiaries, and burning barns, Wages— Low Prices— unlet farms, And swears it would be for the best To stick to the Country interest. To stop his month they soon install him, And Paymaster to office call him. The cunning fox his way first feels, And then consents to accept the Seals ; While the Exchequer's Chief Baboon, Bv another old fox is filled up soon ; A twisting, crafty, sly old varlet— With a brush ofblack, and a face of Scarlet. But though, tistrue, as Proverbs say, That every dog must have his day, Alas! for Jackall and his friend, That day must also have an end. For with Prerogative not content, The Ass dissolved his Parliament. Soon was the wonder buzzed about, Soon was the fatal secret out. ' What, when a Jackass wears a crown, Must Lions tremble at his frown ? What shall a paltry piece of ermine Protect a mischief- making vermin? Shall to us other nations say, 1 " A hundred thousand pounds per day— / For Civil List you cheerful pay"— } And isn't it a precious farce To pay such money for an Ass ? ' Tis thus they spoke, and thus they speak, What happed you'll know another week. THEATRICALS. Celestia, at the Adelphi, is a vision of fairy land ; an exquisite fashioning of the moon's beams into fancied scenes. It is a drama- tised poetic imagination of glittering palaces, and radiant forms, and ' airy tongues that syllable men's names, delightfully conceived and executed in the most elegant taste. Never did the lovely Mrs. Honey appear so beautiful, and never were the elegance and grace which are so conspicuous in the choric dances of this theatre so conspicuously displayed ; and Rodwell's music is, in itself, delicious : They would have thought, who heard the strain, They saw in Tempe's vale her native maids To some unwearied minstrel dancing, While, as his flying fingers kissed the strings, Love formed with Mirth a gay fantastic round, Loose were her tresses seen, her zone unbound, And he amidst his frolic play, As if he would the charming air repay, Shook thousand odours from his dewy wings. The scenic effects in this piece are of the most magnificent de- scription, unrivalled in splendour and in classic elegance. ' The thousand motes that people the moon beams have here a local habi- tation and a name given them, and the spectator, lost in an at- mosphere of beauty and of song, yields himself up to the delicious influence, seeking no higher gratification. The credit of Celestia, is due, however, to the scenic genius of Mr. Yates, and not to the author. Madame Yestris has recovered from her indisposition. We have heard it hinted that the doctor's bill will not be the only bill to be paid for this week's absence. Madame certainly looks 1' hynner than before. Miss Horton has been doubling her laurels already acquired at the Strand Theatre, by an imitation of Mis. Waylett's singing, which she gives in a very laughable new Farce called " Unfortu- nate Miss Bailey." The imitation is perfect, with but one ex- ception— that of being rather too good. The school scene in this piece is a rich portraiture of a " Seminary for young Ladies ;" and the abrupt finale to a quadrille, occasioned by a dinner- bell, was electrifyingly ludicrous. We have often wondered, in these days of rarity in criminal punishment, what had become of— The gentle bard Who lived by heroes that die hard, And by sad sonnets quavered loud, Drew tears and half- pence from the crowd— commonly ' yclept " a Last- dying- speech Writer." We find now that they dramatise murders for the minor houses. One of them rejoicing in the cognomina of Lucius Junius Brutus Huggins Wiggins Jones, gave his evidence at a recent theatrical trial, in a singularly pert manner— and talked of getting his existence by dramatic authorship! " By existing," said the facetious pi- nnv- a- liner, " I mean bread and cheese with an occasional onion, and a surreptitious go of gin. By living, I mean a bottle of port and a rump steak!" This paltry wit has no business either to live or to exist: so thus we take up the insect between our finger and thumb and crack it— and with a crack it dies ! jVext Week, SIX FEROCIOUS VALENTINE CARICATURES, BY THE TREMENDOUS SEYMOUR, Will be communicated in our Valentine FIGARO— to an awe- struck Public. The previous Four Numbers are re- piinted. JACK SPRAT can buy " ISABF. LLF. or, Wo MANS LIFE," . at Strange's: Price Is. C^ OLES'S PATENT MEDICATED BANDS will cure Rheumatism J COLES'S PATENT TRUSSES will Cure Rupture, " Read COLE on Rheumatism, or COLE on Rupture. Sherwood and Co. and W. Strange, Paternoster- row. One Penny Each, or Sixpence per dozen.— Manufactory 3, Charing Cross. THE FINEST BEAVER IIATS, 21s. BEST BEAVER HATS, 17s. 6d. SUPERB GOSSAMER HATS, 12s. The above are manufactured of the most choice ma- terials, and finished in the highest style of fashion— they never spot with rain nor lose their shape. FRANKS AND CO., Sole Patentees and Manufacturers. a London 140, Regent Street, West. 02, Redcross Street, City. Paris . . . 97, Rue Richelieu. Edinburgh, 6, St. Andrew Street. Dublin ... 3, Sackville Street. N. B.— Franks and Co. are the only Manufacturers who really sappfjr the Public at the Wholesale Price. G. CowiF., P r i n t e r , 13, N e w c a s t l e S t r e e t , S t r a n d. PUBLISHED ( for the Proprietor) by W. STRANGE, 21, PATERNOSTER ROW.