FIGARO IN LONDON Satire should, like a polish'd razor keen, Wound with a touch t h a t ' s scarcely felt or seen.- - LADY MONTAGUE. " Political Pasquinades and Political Caricatures are parts ( though humble ones) of Political history. They supply information as to the personal habits, and often as to tbe motives and objects of public men, which cannot be found elsewhere."— CROKER'S NEW WHIG GUIDE. No. 9.] SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 4, 1832. [ Price One Penny. A GUIDE TO PARLIAMENT. v When descriptive Guide Books are written for every little town or village in England, we feel assured, that our readers will consider Parliament worthy of a similar honor, more especially, as the place is remarkable for its antiquity, and for the many curiosities which it has contained from its first establishment. Parliament is divided into two parts, distinguished as the Upper and Lower Houses,— the entrance to the place is dirty, the road is extremely bad, and the tolls particularly heavy. Many persons have been completely ruined by the expense of the journey ; and most of those who have gained the wished- for point, have frequently been very material s u f - ferers. There are several roads which may be taken : In the first place a number of very narrow and private paths have long been in existence, such as that of Old Sarum, Gatton, and other well known rotten boroughs. To be allowed the privilege of passing by those ways, it is only necessary to have the consent of the owner, who'is never particular in letting any one go in, provided he will promise to behave himself in Parliament precisely according to the wishes of his patron, and by these means several very disreputable characters have found their way into the lower division. We are happy to say, fhat a plan is now in progress for doing away with these dark and narrow bye paths, which will be superseded by one wide open road, intended to prevent the continuance of a system of sneaking into Parliament, that has for a long period been practised. The road at present existing is to be materially widened, the tolls are to b e lowered, and b y extending the number of those to whom the trust has been hitherto confined, an end will be put to that system of bribery and corruption, which, when in the hands only of a few, the privilege of letting persons pass into Parliament was almost certain of producing. THE PRESENT ENTRANCE TO PARLIAMENT. We are however to describe the place as it really is, not as i t is about to b e , and having spoken of the approaches, we are now to suppose ourselves arrived in the interior. The first thing that naturally strikes us is the impurity of the air, and the spirit of contamination which seems to breathe from every quarter." This foulness is attributable to t h e corruption that is known to have been conveyed there by those persons visiting the place, who have travelled to it by dirty roads ; for example, an individual called Peel, brought with him all the dirt from t he rotten borough of Tamwortli, and another person by the name of Wetherell, is himself redolent of filth, from the infected neighbourhood of Boroughbridge. On entering the lower d i - vision, the stranger takes up his abode on one side, according 34/ FIGARO IN LONDON. as he may think proper. Though only one Inn, which bears the sign of the Crown, there is another place where new visiters will be gladly received, and that is called the Opposition. The servants of the Crown have until very lately been remarkable for their extortion, so that every person who had any respect for honesty, always on his first entrance went as a matter of course to the Opposition. Lately however the new proprietor of the Crown has turned out all the old set, and those now upon the establishment enjoy a very considerable share of favour and patronage. The disappointed minions who have lately lost their places have now taken to the Opposition, but it is not supposed tbey can long hold out against the liberality of those whom they are endeavouring to sink in public estimation. One of the most prominent features in the opposition side is an old dilapidated pump, which is constantly kept at work, making at the same time a great noise, and sending forth from its mouth a quantity of muddy water. We subjoin an engraving of the interesting relic, with a copy of the Composed of a block picked up in the Court of Chancery, and surmounted with a lump of lead found iu the same quarter, was placed in Parliament by his grace the Duke of Newcastle, who having lately withdrawn his patronage from the Crown, removed the said Pump to the place it now occupies in the Opposition. The peculiarity of this Pump is, that what proceeds from its mouth has often been known to raise a dust instead of laying i t ; and that so far from its having been ever employed in putting out a fire, it has on a recent occasion been very instrumental in lighting one. In describing a town or village, the barber is often spoken of as being one of the most important inhabitants. The parliamentary barber is called Sugden, a fellow who professes to dress Whigs,— an occupation for which he is however but very ill qualified. He lathers most unskilfully, and uses his razor with an awkward hand; he talks, like all the rest of his trade, but what he says is neither lively nor agreeable. In the division of Parliament of which we are now speaking, is the famous Chapel of St. Stephen, frequented by a set of very disorderly ranters, among whom a poor well- meaning simpleton called Perceval, - officiates as principal preacher: he is constantly exhorting those about him to have recourse to humiliation, as if they could possibly render themselves more degraded than they most of them are at present. We now by a slight ascent, arrive at the upper division of Parliament, which is frequented by persons of higher rank than those occupying the part we have just quitted. The approaches to the portion of which we are now about to speak, are only two in number; one of them leading through the Church, and the other by a patent road for which the King alone is enabled to give a passport. It has always been maintained, that the first of these places ought not to have been profaned, by having been made a public thoroughfare for persons to enter the upper division of Parliament, from which it is argued the holy fabric should always have been kept separate. It is held that as the Parish Church is generally at a short distance from the town, so in the same manner ought the Church of England Jo have been kept aloof from Parliament. Whether such will ever be the case we are unable to predict; but we cannot help regretting the dilapidated state of the once goodly edifice, which has been defiled by the number of those who have merely regarded it as a channel for passing into political influence. Its removal from the place where it is now situated has been lately more imperatively demanded, from its having been found to stand very materially in the way of a grand improvement in Parliament. The famous new road to which we have before alluded, doing away with all the narrow and dirty paths we have mentioned, had proceeded successfully along the lower division, and was being carried on through the upper, when it was found to be impeded by the Church, and arrangements were of necessity made for commencing the road on a new foundation. It is intended upon a second attempt to heighten, and increase the number of piers, which support it, so that it may be carried over the Church, and rise superior to the obstruction which the useless pile has hitherto presented. With the nature of the structure every one is we believe tolerably well acquainted ; its pillars are all base, and there is nothing that can be called capital about them. Its knaves are very numerous, its shrine is adorned with a profusion of gold, and its worshippers are truly zealous in their devotion. A grand exhibition of its oratory, has been attempted on a recent occasion, but the affair was declared to be truly contemptible. There is nothing else peculiarly striking in the upper division of Parliament;— there are of course a number of objects, of different, qualities, and though the bad cannot be removed, a number of new ones are about to pass in by the King's patent road, by which the general character of the place will be materially improved., and the ill effects of the worst part of the inhabitants will be most happily neutralized. 35/ FIGARO IN LONDON. THE INTERPRETER. The Scotch Festival. Sir J . Malcolm proposed the health of Lord Porchester and the English poets, a toast which was drunk with great applause, and Lord Mahon and the English historians received a similar compliment.— Literary Gazette. We extract the above from the report of the Scottish Literary Festival, the proceedings at which have excited general disgust in the minds of all sensible persons. Surely a meeting professedly composed of a great portion of the intellect of the country, ought to have boasted of the presence of some persons more illustrious than the wretchedly obscure individuals who congregated on the above occasion at the Freemasons Tavern. Never did a gang of more despicable unheard- ofs dare to assemble together, to celebrate, what they impertinently designated a Literary Festival. There is scarcely one of the whole crew that dined together on Wednesday, who ranks higher as a man of letters, than a magazine scribbler, or a contributor to the annuals. Could there be a stronger proof of the very degraded standard of the company's literary merits, than the two toasts we have quoted at the head of this article ? Could any thing be more truly ridiculous than the health of Lord Porchester and the English poets ? Good heavens ! what has his Lordship ever done, that he should deserve to be placed at the head of the poets of this country 1 All we know of his performances is, that he some two years since, liad a tragedy, called Don Pedro, damned without ceremony on the first night it was acted at Drury- Lane Theatre. This is all that is publicly known of his Lordship's muse, though whether he has offered to the world any poem, which may be reposing 011 the bookseller's shelves, a silent witness of his genius, we are not in a situation to say, or he may perhaps have a quantity of M. S. lying in his portfolio, sufficiently splendid to place him first in the rank of British poets. We should, however, considering the limited sphere of his Lordships' reputation, have certainly quite as soon expected to have heard a proposition for drinking tlie health of Mr. Smith and the English Bar, as that of Lord Porchester and the British Poets. The same observation will apply to Lord Mahon and the English Historians, for he is about as much entitled to the honor of such a toast, as Signor Paulo would be, if the Stage were about to be drunk at a public entertainment. Appearance is against him. A youth dressed in a most fashionable style a la Prirtee de Cumberland, was brought before the magistrates at Bow Street, charged with being one of the most expert pickpockets in the western part of the metropolis. Nothing positive could be proved against him, but Mr. Halls obseived to the prisoner, " You attempted to commit a robbery, are known to be a common thief, and are on the high road to the gallows.- The sentence of the court is, that you be confined two months in the House of Correction."-— Morning Paper, Police Report. We have occasionally noticed the summary way iu which magistrates dispose of a prisoner whom they have only reason to suspect, by calling him a common thief, and sending him oft' to the House of Correction, as a matter of course, upon the bare assertion of an officer. We are afraid the worthy Paid have too much regard to mere appearances, and are apt to incline to the side of severity rather than of mercy. In the above case, we will, however, allow that things did look very suspicious. A similarity to the Duke of Cumberland is a very serious matter, and, in the opinion of Mr. Halls, quite sufficient to entitle any one to a couple of months imprisonment, as a common thief, or an incorrigible vagabond. The worthy magistrate is, indeed, very severe upon his Royal Highness, but we cannot help admiring his blunt honesty. Uncourteous Courtiers. I t has been reported in several papers that a misunderstanding has taken place amongst the visiters in the Palace, which has had the effect of disturbing the harmony that hitherto prevailed. There is not tbe shadow of a pretext for the rumour.— Morning Herald. We have lately seen so much of the want of unanimity in the royal household, that we are glad to find a contradiction to the distressing rumours. Insinuations have indeed been thrown out, that the very highest couple ( as the Court Newsman would express it) in the kingdom have not always been upon those affectionate terms, for which at the commencement of their reign- we had always understood they were so particularly eminent. It was even whispered, that the Queen's aversion to a certain Bill, had given rise to something like an antipathy to another Bill, which is equally an object of popular attachment. This heinous slander, however, we could not be brought to believe, and even when we read in the papers that her Majesty took airings in her carriage alone, we never would imagine, she was giving herself airs, and offering the cut direct to her illustrious consort. Delighted are we to find, that the royal pair are and always have been a pattern of domestic bliss, and that the palace has only been disturbed by the unmannerly quarrels of the " visitors." We are only surprised, that they have been suffered to mar that amiable felicity which ought to prevail in the royal residence, and if his Majesty's friendship is so amiably indiscriminate, as to cause him to invite persons of all parties to his palace, the individuals thus honoured, should for once in their lives be hypocrites for a good object, and affect that cordiality for one another which they need not be expected to feel ; surely tliey are sufficiently practised in the customs of a court to be weil versed iu the art of dissimulation. BREVITIES. " Brevity is the soul of wit."— Shalispeare. Epigram. C On the standing order for strangers to withdraw being enforced on a late occasion.) Mister Speaker, methinks you were wanting in nous I11 bidding all strangers withdraw from the House Ere Perceval in his discourse liad proceeded ; For had but your crier, in language unique, Announced that his saintship intended to speak, The hint to withdraw had been surely unueeded. To Perceval on his motion for a general fast. To make us expiate our past offence, You doom bur stomachs to an abstinence ; But if you would atone for follies past, Your tongue's the part that you must needs make fast. Over a fish house ( over officious). Some people have beeu wondering what profit can be made by tlie proposers of a general fast, in case one should be ordered. It is whispered that Saint Pe'rceval has been in correspondence with Mr. Earle, the notorious director of the Salt Fish Company. Taking one by Assault. Mr. Perceval supposes that much spiritual good will be effected by living for a day upon salt fish. We do not doubt that a great number of soles will be preserved 011 the occasion. A Dose. Mr. Bernal went to sleep the other night when presiding as Chairman in the House of Commons. The circumstance should have occurred after Mr. Perceval's speech, when there Would have been nothing strange in finding all the members fast. Advertisement extraordinary. WANTED, to those inclined their nets to cast, A shoal of flats to keep the general fast. 272 FIGARO IN LONDON. A Votary. The vote of Sir H. Parnell has caused him to be dismissed from his office, ministers declaring they will have no Secretary at War with their interests. Taking- Orders. When Mr. Perceval commenced speaking, he was wrong in moving one of the standing orders, when lying was evidently the order of the day. Inquest Extraordinary. Died, some one of astonishment intense, Verdict— Heard Gloucester speak two words of sense. THEATRICALS. On Monday most of tlie Theatres were closed, in commemoration of the Martyrdom of King Charles the lst., who, because he was a tyrant, had his head very properly chopped off, and his fate is now made the subject of lamentation. We do not see, even allowing that he was disposed of in too summary a manner, why the death of a King deserves to be kept so sacred, that places of public entertainment are to be closed for centuries afterwards, and poor actors deprived of a night's salary out of respect to liis memory. The patent houses with a due regard to decorum closed their doors, or rather Covent Garden did so, while at Drury Lane a Selection of Sacred Music was performed in honour of the Martyr. Most of the singers acquitted themselves exceedingly well, but there were among the number a few useless individuals whose names we were astonished to find printed in enormous characters in the play bills. The selection was 011 the whole somewhat too heavy, but it being in commemoration of the martyrdom of Charles the lst. it was of course purposely suited to the solemnity of the occasion. The house was well attended in regard to numbers, but we rather suspect that very few among tho audience, thought of poor Charles ; they evidently came to hear tbe music, and not above one half were even aware of the fact that the performance was in commemoration of his martyrdom. We wonder if the Ex- King of France will inthe course of time be honoured by his countrymen with a similar compliment. To make a man a saint is but a poor compensation for cutting off his head, and in fact few would be inclined to accept, at such a price, the most magnificent apotheosis. We lately visited the Olympic to see a burletta called He's not Amiss, written by Mr. C. Dance, who seems to be the regular scribe of Madame Vestris's theatre. He is but a sorry dramatist— the highest point of wit to which he ever attains, being a pun of a most indifferent quality. He appears to imagine that playing upon words is the very essence of hu- j mour, and accordingly his pieces are crammed with jokes, coined anew from the stale materials of Hood and Joe Miller. He's not Amiss is rendered laughable by the grotesque buffoonery of Liston, but there is nothing in the piece itself, to afford the slighest pretext for a smile among the audience.— The company at the Olympic boasts of oue or two favourite performers, but it likewise contains one or two choice specimens of the histrionic* species, who seem born to personate those abominably insipid personages of a drama, y'clept the true lovers. I11 a piece called My Great Aunt, two of these curiosities are exhibited, one a Miss A. Norman, and the other a young man, whose obscurity happily for himself has hitherto kept his name out of the play bills. This A. Norman, who should more properly be called A Hun, A Goth, or A Vandal, is one of those inanimate young ladies who move automatonically about the stage in white satin, sending forth with a true appreciation the most asinine rubbish in the shape of namby- pamby sentiment. The youth to whom wc allude, is one of those wretched heroes of the sock, the smallness of whose salary forces liim to appear upon the stage in a seedycoat, though the nature of the parts he is called on to act demands he should look like a gentleman. In this dilemma the poor wretch is compelled to have recourse to white trowsers, a clean shirt- front, a newly washed pair of Berlin gloves, and three- half- penny worth of hair curling. His every day coat, ( for in the part of a walking gentleman, the actor finds his own dress)—. his cvery- day coat is brushed quite clean, the whiteness of the seams is carefully concealed, by a liberal application of ink or blacking, his boots are well polished, and he walks 011 the stage the very beau ideal of a trice lover. Such is the youth who plays in My Great Aunt. His intellect appears to be ou so happy a level with the trash he has to speak, that he imparts to it the effcct, which contributes to make it thoroughly ridiculous. His action is in character with the whole. His right hand extended like the spout of a tea- pot, to which the left, by resting on the hip so as to curve the arm, furnishes the symbol of a handle. We have been thus particular with regard to this performer, for we assure our readers, that to him we are indebted for the only hearty laughs we enjoyed in the course of the evening. TO CORRESPONDENTS. We have been greatly amused and ( must acknowledge) not a little flattered by the immense number of small works which have recently sprung up in imitation of Figaro in London. Some have even taken our name, as it our popularity were already so great that success must attend any publication which conld hoast of a similarity to us in title. Others have endeavoured to look as much like us as possible, as if the public had been captivated by our appearance, instead of pleased with our matter. Some even go so far as to do both ; but we have full reason to believe that the deception has been found too palpable. Other works have endeavoured to come in for a portion of our success by exceeding us in size ; but short and sweet are the qualities which are looked for, aad we hope found, in the pages of Figaro. Besides, our voluminous imitators ought to know that their quantity will prevail but little against our established contemporary, the National Omnibus, where talent and cheapness will be found united. Not only in the metropolis have we given rise to a race of mimics, but we have received the first number of a paper published in Birmingham, which has taken our name and imitated our appearance as far as possible. It is confined to the abuses of the large town wherein it is published, where it will find, we have no doubt, an abundance of subjects, which it seems to have the talent to deal with according to their merits. We should be glad if every large city in the kingdom had its Figaro; for we can scarcely be expected to be in every place at once, and we have quite enough to do in the extensive field of politics which ths metropolis, the grand mart for them, is constantly presenting. The Song of J . M. B. will not suit Figaro. Poetical correspondents, unless they can favour us with something pithy in the shape of an Epigram, an Advertisement, or an Inquest, are wasting time in sending us their contributions. We are afraid most of our readers would enter so much into the spirit of G. K ' s dream, that they would find themselves asleep before they came to the end of it. The Charades of our German correspondent A . B. C. are creditable to his ingenuity, and his proficiency in the English language, but they are too lengthy for insertion. B. S. L ' s description of a Tory, is merely a compilation of most of the abusive words to be found in the dictionary. It may be very true, but it is certainly not at all witty. On Saturday, February 18th, 1832, will be published, No. I. price one penny, e/ A NEW WEEKLY PERIODICAL, CALLED F I G A R O ' S R E V I E W: ( By the Editor of Figaro in London.') It will be devoted to Reviews, Literary Squibs, Original Articles, and Notice! of the Drama. Each Number to be embellished with a Caricature by SBVMOUR. Prospectuses may be had of the publisher, W. STR ANOS, 21, Paternoster Row, where all communications for the Editor are to be addressed. Prin ted by W. Molineux, 13, Bolls Buildings, Fetter Lane. PUBLISHED BY W. STRANGE, 21, PATERNOSTER ROW.